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Our Validations: Travelling from Inside-out!

March 8, 2022March 8, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Today is International Women’s Day! The first message of the day I received was from my teacher wishing me! It involuntarily made me smile because perhaps compliments like these are what I need to charge my batteries for every day! I feel grateful for people like her who do not shy away from speaking their minds most of the time. I found her validation for me in surviving and thriving. I remember my talk with her around two weeks back. While she was appreciating my efforts to continue writing about topics that are so relatable, we stumbled upon the topic of getting validation and our need to feel individually validated! She suggested I write about this thought since this idea continues to stay with all of us rent-free. She is the force behind me writing about this because, even if we do not openly agree, it is considered a frivolous word and it brings about a sense of guilt in women all around. Since we are told all the time that women are selfless and goddess-like, self-sacrificial, and are like a goddess to be looked up to; then it is not correct for us to feel the need, and the less validation we need, the higher we climb in our sublimity. However, we fail to remind ourselves that we are all humans and have no need to become a deity because there are already a number of them present throughout our history. We all indeed need as well as want to talk about it at one time or the other but maybe most of the time we get carried away with our guilt. At other times just the superfluous celebratory media marketing strategies turn our minds to the immense amount of floating advertisements regarding the same.

Right from Starbucks to Pizza Hut there have been several offers celebrating our existence, especially around the 8th of March every year! One of my friends is even availing this immensely juicy offer of buy one get one free on Pizza delivery as I am writing my words. Reading similar numerous online shopping offers and exclusive membership makes me wonder, is this the ultimate kind of validation that is kept exclusive for us? Is it the real deal while we celebrate our yearly validations for our existence that we need as women? Makes me wonder about the oscillations of necessity between our need or want regarding this debatable concept of self-approval as well as approval by others. I understand that there is a great need for our self-validation. It is many times more important than others’ appreciation of us. Every day women are raising our voice at all levels for creating our importance. Almost all of us agree that we need to respect ourselves first for the way we exist but is the celebration enough in the form of pamphlets and advertisements about appreciating our existence by putting on offers for us to uplift our buying capacity? I guess not.

According to the psychological theory of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the integral aspects of motivation for human beings include love, a sense of belongingness, and respect. So when people around me say that we don’t do a particular deed to get validation from others, I just want to remind them a little at that point that the reaction that they get to their action is in one way or the other validation to themselves either by others or by self! When they say such a sentence, they forget that it is human nature to naturally bond with others and that bonding cannot be done in isolation. So what is needed to make that bond stronger is to bring some sort of harmony or consensus among the existing selves., which further requires the act of validating each other or self. To explain the thought, I will go no further than myself because I believe I am my best example. When I get fewer likes on my Facebook, Instagram, or even LinkedIn or Twitter, there is a sinking feeling. That may or may not be common with others but at some point, or the other our social media is a platform that unknowingly validates ourselves in our eyes with just a click of a button. It is one of the stronger tools that carry the power to make or destroy our personality due to its heavyweights and validity. Be it individual involvement or praising at the group level, the idea that there is someone of some platform out there that agrees without thoughts, views, opinions, and visions is enough to develop our adrenaline rush in us as individuals.

This case is not gender-specific at all. However, I am a woman, and the sir around me is surrounded with the celebration of our likes. This makes me talk about the topic that spreads far and wide and take it as a micro discussion about my gender. You all are free to interpret your fluidity in its discussions! Hence when I see such lovely promotions and beautiful and thought-provoking messages floating through WhatsApp and other modes of communications, I deliberately want to talk about it. We live in our bubble and that bubble is so elastic that its stretchability expands far and wide. But the moment that bubble bursts, reality comes into focus. The need to get validation for ourselves merges with our want for self-validation. The thin line dividing the two ends up merging further and blurs down boundaries from one to the other. So, when our partners, siblings, offspring, parents, friends, and associates end up putting a seal of approval on our actions, we feel that all the efforts that we did are so worth it! We can protest as much as we want, but we have created this situation for our need to get the desired validation at such a level that there seems to be no sure shot exit visible as of now. So next time you see an interesting celebration offer or promotion to celebrate your existence, do away with that guilt and avail yourself of it with open arms. Remember, this craving to gain validation for our actions is as important as fighting to gain the right to our existence. Let it be a day or perhaps a week of celebrations, do not deny it. There is no harm in getting validation even for small moments because many times we all deserve what we want and what we want is quite a few times what we need. You may differ in your opinions but my need for this validation about your thought process is as equal if not more important as your concept of non-dependency on need and want of any such appreciations!

Opinion Shack

The Language we Speak: Creating Gender Divide Linguistically!

February 21, 2022February 22, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

The other day I passed over Taylor Swift’s interview with CBS Sunday Morning. Despite my differences in opinion, I somehow resonated with her take on the difference in gender vocabulary to quite an extent. I agree that this difference in gender vocabulary has slipped in our society by and large. Moreover, what is more, worrisome is our acceptance of it in general and as individuals. When she quotes that ‘there is a different vocabulary for men and women in the music industry, I agree to disagree with here due to the universality of the view in almost all available platforms. We are all sailing in similar boats, it is just that the ripples are felt more by some than the other due to the seats they are seated upon. While further explaining, she says, “A man does something, it is strategic. A woman does something, it is calculated.’ When she says that a man can act but a woman can only react, like any normal human I second the thought because this is how the demarcations are made subconsciously and eventually thrive in society.

I am not flagging feminism at this point. What I am trying to do is to understand, how come these terms became strong identifiable adjectives for creating a gender divide? Quite a few have been written about the language difference between men and women. However, there is still a considerable difference between the language difference used for their divide. Be it personal identification or professional scenario, the difference is obvious, yet we decide to ignore it consciously or unconsciously. Where men are described as analytical, athletic, dependable, competent, level-headed, practical. The women on the other hand are identified as selfish, passive, gossiping, vain, temperamental, indecisive, and so on. Seldom have we seen both qualities being transferred from one to another. On the rare occasion, we see one being identified with the other, it is in mere comparison individual identification with the quality of ‘the other!’ The words are not mere adjectives. They carry a very heavyweight impression as they can have serious implications thus, in turn, creating heavy repercussions at certain points in life. Such gender-specific language defines what and how we value a particular identity in a specific capacity. Sometimes we as recipients of the associated gender language tag, end up looking at ourselves in a different light due to the adjectives we are connected to. We in a way start exchanging or letting go of our innate and natural abilities and qualities to deliberately move away towards someplace which is not natural to our identity.

This language divide among genders becomes the reason behind the different treatment of them since there comes a hidden dominance that is due to the allocation of gender-specific terminologies. Professor Robin Tolmach Lakoff (1942) in her book ‘language and Woman’s place (1975), has made language and gender responsible for a topic of the hard tussle of thoughts in her subjects of linguistics and others. She to a certain extent used to confirm with the idea that there is a difference in language due to the existence of dominance theory since they have dominated both work and household areas, while women have been staying within their domestic boundaries. Because of this ever-spreading belief, most of us including women find it hard to have female leaders. We cannot digest the thought of women’s capacity to lead, speak firmly and decide objectively. If on certain occasions we find the courage and will to accept the feminine strength, then we associate the language of identification as the acquired or loaned male qualities that are rare traits to be found in women. Even in our objectivity to understand the gap of gender divide as per the language associated with them, we still suffer from our bias and subtle provocations of exclusion of a particular gender in its fight for equal survival. Language and discourse are processes that influence society, literature, and philosophy since language and its dimensions of dynamism enable humans to establish themselves as gendered subjects. The influence as such is conspicuous in society and plays the role of an agent or motive. Through employing a conventionalized association between the signifier and signified, individuals in human societies maintain and preserve solidarity in a unified system. Any instance of language use not only embodies but also reveals signs and phenomena that have already been enacted and experienced by individuals. Correspondingly, ‘language’ externalized in the form of socio-historically situated event or act is interconnected with ideology, rituals, identity, ideas, and values and is as such closely associated with the organization of society.

Language and discourse are concepts that influence society and its course of action. When this language becomes specified to genders in an individualistic manner, the worry of identification of individuals falls into chaos. Judith Butler in a way focuses upon neutralizing the difference between genders and their identity when she believes that gender is discursively made. If we pan the view, we can relate that language and discourse can unite and demarcate the consistency in treating genders. The way we speak about them individually is the way we identify them as separate entities. The concept of putting tags for them is suicidal for there is a gender fluidity in their usage all the time and one can be identified with the other under usual circumstances. There is a dire need to do away with gender language politics because now is the time when we ask such questions not just to read them as mere questions. What we need are clear answers regarding our perception of gender-specific language. When we add mere adjectives to specify the abilities and qualities of genders, we are subconsciously creating heavy walls between their co-existence and social respect. A penny dropped has the power to eventually raise the water level. But when the same water starts spilling over, the sight is not as pleasing as the ripples it created while dropping coins in its depth! So next time you see a soft cashmere or course jute, don’t start identifying the language term as a gender-specific adjective. A man can be termed beautiful and a woman as a strong individual. Remember, they are just qualities and not identifications!

Films

Little Bottle of our Demons

February 1, 2022February 1, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

While I was watching Alfred Hitchcock’s version of ‘Rebecca‘, this Saturday night, I recalled the novel by Daphne du Maurier that I read when I was 12. That was heavy writing for my 12-year-old mind and to this day I can’t seem to synthesize the number of emotions that I went through while reading it and long after it was over. It made my then novice state of thoughts twist and tumble in my sweet creative vision that had just started to imagine everything will get a happy ending. It made a young reader like me believe that romanticism is the justification for every wrong occurrence in life. Moving toward the movie, realised that my young mind was so deeply impressed with the thoughts implanted at the age that while watching the movie at 40 even could not start with my romantic inclination of the thriller. Even today I was justifying to myself that the wrong that happened in the movie (i.e. murder of ‘Rebecca by the hero Maxim) is superseded by the human and romantic side of the characters. My idea of a happy ending has not loosened in strength even today as I was snuggled under my blanket in the wintery night. Despite knowing the story, I was somehow praying myself hard to let the hero free and be with the young heroine in their happy ending. However, my rational 40-year-old was constantly opposing the idea. She was trying to tell that the protagonist has done something wrong and needs to be punished. The end is not somehow justified in that he goes free and leads a happy life with his new wife while having the murder of his first wife (however negative she may be) on his hands.

Let me rewind! Let us turn back the wheels and maybe you can all peek with me into what ‘Rebecca’ was all about. So, this 1938 novel was written with a young woman whose name is not known, in mind. The story starts with her being married to a rich widower (classically powerful, charming, and intimidating). The young woman however realises that he and his household, both are haunted by ‘Rebecca’, his first wife who died. The whole novel revolves around the young woman’s journey to compete with a ghost and the truth behind her death.

Besides the intrigue in the movie, my thoughts shift towards the concept of justification of our demons. While watching the movie I realised what if we as individuals are faced with situations where our integrity is compromised, however, the cause for which we take drastic measures is noble. Does it justify our actions? Do we consider the consequence to be justified and put in the bracket of good deeds? Does our action justify our means? It is a concept that must answer to human illusions. The movie like any other of Hitchcock’s captivating geniuses was a masterpiece. It created a haunting scenario throughout with its captivating suspense and gothic thrills but in no way is it a horror movie. The suspense and successful creation of a strange eerie atmosphere are commendable.

This eeriness continues to creep within me when I look back at the time when it was more of a romantic novel for my young self, and I am astonished to recall how could I not absorb the mystery of human actions and emotions. Perhaps my young mind could only fathom so much and for me, it was more of romance that was created and exaggerated by the chaotic feelings it left with me after I was done reading. When the hero of the film, ‘Maxim de Winter’ explained to young Mrs De Winter why he hated Rebecca so much by saying, “I was carried away by her, enchanted by her, as everyone was. And when I was married, I was told that I was the luckiest man in the world. She was so lovely, so accomplished, so amusing.” His quote resonated so well with my thoughts at 12 where I was carried away by the novel, enchanted by it! I was sure everyone who read it thought the same since everything about it was so “accomplished”! Lying on my thinking couch the idea seemed to be so trivial but back at the age of 12, to a girl with her heart in her eyes and her mind in chaos because of the weird notions of romantic justice, his actions more than justified his thoughts. Even today while watching the film after such a gap I feel restless that my rationality overpowers my emotions. My heart still wants to justify the end, but my practicality says otherwise.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/depressed-young-man-with-blurred-head-in-dark-room-3833370/ — *Photo Credit: pexels.com*

My question here is do our emotions have enough power to cloud our judgements? Does the idea of perfection manage to lure us out of our rationality? Should there be a divide between our sense of judgement and taking of particular action out of our emotional turmoil? Is it right to bottle our demons up or is there a great need to talk and discuss this bottle of demons that stay rolling in our minds? We talk about the forbidden but at the same time we shun the discussions regarding ‘who or what shall not be named’. It is revealing to see how the concept or the actions can be a part of the discussion and not the doer of those actions. We tend to attach so many emotions and relations with the perpetrator that many times the wrong that is done end up becoming a mere figment of imagination. It takes the shape of a fantasy that is only discussed as a fabled myth of the romantic illusion of human psychology. When you and me or more like us, feel only the superficial emotiveness running through our veins, we forget that there is a harsh reality behind the façade. The so-called physical beauty and soft emotions like love and romanticism take over the harsh rationality of our minds. We then bottle these demons and leave them dangling around our neck as a magical locket that when gets broken lets that demon out with full gusto but by that time it is too late for us to pick up the pieces and bring them that bottle back into the original shape.

Opinion Shack

Princess and that Pea: Shift in Women Anxiety Post-Marriage

November 29, 2021November 29, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

When time changes and our clock seem to tick away, there is a constant change in the society and social acceptance as well. As women shift their focus on their social, economic, and individual well-being, each day bring a set of new experiences for them and for those who are directly or indirectly related to them. They start recognising and respecting their being, behaviour, level of motivation towards their professional as-well-as individual roles as serious contributors in social existence. Their sense of self-assertion increases with the increase in interaction with the regular changing surrounding environment. This is a major influencer in almost reversing the dynamics of woman as an individual entity. There have been various influencers, theorists, thinkers like Heidi I, Hartmann (1981), Louise Wattis and Liz James (2013) and personalities like Moen (1991) and others who have been advocating the importance of family in the success of women in their career decisions. However, there is another side that focus on deconstructing the strength of these women, their sexuality, work, and the aspect of reproduction as well. They focus on the various experiences that these women come across hindering their economic and educational growth manifolds. To have a keen sense of one’s identity is integral to any individual’s uniqueness, irrespective of genders. It is dominantly important for women since their level of social and economic suppression has become a continuous process with little exceptions here and there. The more we rise as individuals or as a united entity, the lonelier this journey seem to be. Whether we can break barriers or not, the sense of being someone special and separate from the common line of thought increases at a faster pace. The marital adjustments and the scale of resultant depression looks to be consistent among working and non-working married women. It is even prevalent even in the happiest among us because with the increase in our understanding of self, the level of dissatisfaction in relation with our changed identity increases manifold! The idea of being princess of male species in our lives at all levels have resulted in creating a severe pressure to maintain that unattainable goal in their eyes and for all the others that come with this package of marriage.

This morning when I woke up. I dragged myself off the bed that has been my comfort zone since I remember. The beds may change, the homes may turn into houses, the mattress can change their quality, but the space has always been my sanctity. A place where I run off to when I want it all to go away. A princess whose change of place bring a great discomfort for her own self as there is always a hidden pea somewhere underneath that ends up bruising her. But if we ponder further, we might find the stereotypical acceptance of a woman only after confirming to the already existing and flourishing standards set for them by the society. The acceptance may seem to be mutually dyadic as far as the family adjustments are concerned, however the spreadsheet has a different take over the kind of expectations from the new member in the family. The absolute quality of life and the success of family relations however end up at the footsteps of women in general and their capability and capacity to adjust. The resultant respect and acceptance with the inner circle of family thus becomes the hanging carrot at the end of the tunnel!

The sun may look brighter today. Unlike any other day, it appears warmer despite the winters. The warm walls of our home have managed to keep harsh wind at bay. It all seems calmer inside. Whether there is chilly wind outside or harsh season ahead, one cannot really feel the changes at large dur to the centrally maintained temperature. Still the peas are rolling restlessly to get under the mattress of my and your skin. Women can feel the desperation of their own as pulls the strings of calmness. They are continuously banging at door of patience to let them in. Should she be brave enough to let them try their hand at messing with our mind or should we play safe and just keep our doors locked. The queen and prince regardless of their gender stand together with their nose looking down upon us, new entrants to prove our obedience and compliance. The mould to be a certain way and to behave in a particular manner has already been made. Now all we must do is, fit in! It may sound so simple, but at what cost? When our mental stability and peace is at stake, are we ready to make these insane standards sane for our survival? This superficial attaining of an ideal quality of life to maintain our social, physical, and mental well-being end up being a dissatisfied gender unable to satisfy look of constant judgement in our so-called accepters’ eyes. The doubt become so transparent in our credibility that during our post-married life, we sometimes end up doubting our own self. Our obligatory justifications become crucial instruments in creating mountains out of molehills thus giving and rearing personal anxieties.

We do feel, at multiple points, this new family is fidgeting away to leave our side while trying to project their full support simultaneously. The reason for their want and need for our strict adherence to their protocols looks to be their need to protect their own image. The new family in a way seem to become like all those peas that are common throughout, ready to hurt intentionally or unintentionally. Moreover, the deliciousness of whole course of this conversation lies in the mere fact the peas subconsciously become the real culprit behind this whole fiasco. They become that upper crust which bend the princess in me and you to come down to their level and prove our innocence! The greasiness of the blame game is the amount that each one of us is ready to take in. This new family that we as females decide to join for life is that chaotic kingdom that keeps on stretching our limits to decide whether to accept us as part of their own is a good enough decision or not. In this whole journey of them blaming us to unable to do so and us trying to break free, we are forgetting our originality and strength hidden behind our visible delicateness.

We observe the influence of the spouse and his associated members irrespective of their genders. It builds up erratic behaviour and constant prevalence of increased level of anxiety in new female members of that family, be it as a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, or any other prospective relation. These depressive disorders that sometimes borderlines severe anxiety leading to potential insanity in female sex is very grave in seriousness and can even reach to a level of no return in certain severe cases. You and I seem to be of opinion that the fragility is our unique selling point. We show our weakness at the wrong time, and it becomes visible enough to be a bait for digging our own grave. When they question our credibility as nurturers, homemakers, and supporters repeatedly, even if our economic resilience is prevalent and so are the intentions. Our strength becomes our weakness, and we huddle up at the far end of the walls to save ourselves from our own decisions in the time of our identity crisis. We need to remember when it is time to pack our bags, the princess in you and me end up on our own. We have no one to fall back on except our own tired backs from the everyday burden of carrying our damaged selves. The same mattress at that time seem to hurt us at very smallest of bump.

We feel tired, our eyelids seem to have a will of their own. A peaceful and respectable sleep seems to be far away from us because when we decide to spend a part of our present and future with someone else, the trust that we put in our relationship mostly, is blind. When we need to stand up at our two tired but strong feet, we need to decide the meaning and relevance of mutual respect all around us. When men in general or our own gender push women towards their limits, since we are outsider to their comfort zone and need to fit in; what is most important is our trust in self-respect and our abilities. We must be ready all the time without fail to pick our fragments and sanity that is of utmost importance. To hell with her prince and sweet taste of his kingdom! What women must remember, is to be able to spread their wings everywhere without any fear of having them clipped. The throne and our happy conclusions do not matter because what is really needed, is survival of our identity as individuals. We need to be alert enough to mend the damage done so that we can rise from our own ashes. People including us must remember that, the moment we decide to leave our own comfort zone and respective castles and enter a new relationship, we have already given a (not-needed) proof of our credibility and mettle. By signing that contract with another individual, we have automatically gained the right to live , the way we want. This needs to handed over to us with full and equal relevance, acceptance, and respect. Hence we repeatedly need to remind ourselves and our own, the fragility that world identifies our appearance with, is merely an outer

covering that acts like the onion peel covering innumerable layers or are various identities. There hides a tough nail underneath, and no pea, prince, queen, king, or kingdom can break that! It is our castle; our mattress and it is up to us to decide our strength and decisions in using the same!

Poetry

Voice of Reason

November 27, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Her voice is an answer to his gaze

Breaking free desires of gender within

Fluid flow of thoughts that arise

Demonstrating values of ideas within

Fighting unconscious crisis of masculinity

Gives boost to its monstrous femininity.

Thinkers make their own stories

Reading through ideas of theories

Testing examples that lay upfront

Evolving with influence of lost time

Fighting unconscious crisis of masculinity

Gives boost to its monstrous femininity.

Signals those regular signs to understand

Of loosing relevance of era on feminism

What impact do their use and abuse have

When branding is often made unthinkably

and Fighting unconscious crisis of masculinity

Gives boost to its monstrous femininity.

With regular revolutions for women

readers need to understand as well that

Work is groundbreaking part of books

lives its life full of deeper thoughts within

since fighting unconscious crisis of masculinity

Gives boost to its monstrous femininity

What we need is an wide open door

Giving way to distinctive approach

Where we do not just close our eyes

And curse existance of one over other

For fighting unconscious crisis of masculinity

Gives boost to its monstrous femininity.

Illusions of superficial beliefs

Come in way of wholistic growth

To speak for one and not fight other

We hope to demonstrate value to each

Since fighting unconscious crisis of masculinity

Gives boost to its monstrous femininity.

Opinion Shack

From Pregnancy to Childbirth and After: Are we Judging…

November 24, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

The extent of strength and wisdom for the choice of becoming a mother needs to be a self-healing process for a woman, rather than becoming a laugh out loud topic of coffee-table discussion about her capability to birth naturally or under a knife! The moment I became a mother to my now 8-year-old, I realised another facet of motherhood that I didn’t even comprehend at the time I decided to plunge myself into the choice. As gratifying as it is without a doubt to be a mother, I cannot deny the amount and extent of subtle and not-so-subtle flack I received personally and am continuing to receive, regarding my grip around motherhood! This makes me wonder are there any other or if I must say many others like me as well, or am I the chosen one? I certainly hope not! I still remember the journey through my 9 months. The pressure to be a mother at the right time took away a little bit of joy and spontaneity out of my decision to be one because many were politely guiding me that time was ticking. Then when I did decide to go ahead with my pregnancy in my own time, I realised how scared I was. The whole idea of childbirth despite going through the whole self-educating process and pre-natal classes, I was scared till my roots with the process of natural birth that is so natural for women according to most of us women! I couldn’t find a single support to confine into despite coming from a background of open communication in my family. My own thoughts and resevations regarding the initiation of any form of related discussion stopped me from opening up. Perhaps at the time I felt that no one would takeit seriously or may be I would be judged for my inhibitions. I now realises my post-partum depression phase started long before I gave birth to my adorable bundle of joy.

The point is, even though we may be liberal in our approach and educated in our outlook or independent in our mind, the feeling of being judged and the fear of doing wrong still stays strong for many of us. Since we are kept at a pedestal for being women of divinity for bring a a being to life, the responsibility becomes so intense that motherhood many times scare the living daylights out of us. It is so integral to make childbirth a normal and individualistic experience without any subconscious stigma out of the choice to bring out a life in this world. Instead of how, what need to be of greater importance should be the concept a giving life to a being rather then how the process should be. It should be as normal to go under the knife as a natural birth. For those who go for latter, congratulations! But for those who willingly or unwillingly go for former, it should just be as natural without a guilt trip in toe. At the end of the day, we are on the same side, right? We all are rare in our own way, bringing that tiny being in this world one way or the other. There are enough of others already ready to judge us for our every decision. We need not add ourselves in the queue to judge our own. Afterall we are chip of the same block!

Women need to reclaim their control over their bodies physically and mentally. They need to realise their power over their own physical and mental endurance pre and post birth, without being told by them or their own how and why. We do not need any sort of interference regarding the decisions we make regarding the body that his our own and to bring another life to forefront by anyone who claim to know us and our type better than our own. How we want to have a childbirth, how many we want to give birth to are decisions that should be made only by us and no one other then us has capacity to understand our body’s need and threshold. There is no space to fall ourselves into guilt regarding the choice of childbirth we make. Choosing one over the other does not make us weaker or stronger as a being. What make us weak or strong is our buckling under the pressure of outer being to choose a specific path for our very personal and special moment of growth and its acceptance. Our alienation from the pressures of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood is of utmost importance because the decisions we make at those individual moments have the capacity to affect our whole personality and future as individuals, mothers, and as integral part of society!

Opinion Shack

Questioning the Divinity of ‘Y’ Chromosome

November 15, 2021November 17, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

women's march, sign, child, political, rally, human, rights, women, international, day

When an argumentative project the idea that feminism was born so that women who are physically not satisfying the stereotypical social parameters gain relevance in society at large, there is a strong tussel that rightfully developes around the corners of reason. This tussle between coexistence and potential supremacy of ‘y’ over the ‘x’ chromosome raise a significant question regarding the existing divinity of one over the other. It makes me realise with time that I have been lucky enough to grow up in a family where my mum was as vocal and loud as my father. There was a constant chaos over the difference in opinion among our family of five. I never realized I had to speak in a certain way, behave in a particular manner and project the image of ideal gender type! And I am so thankful for that because as I transcend further in life, I realise this is not a common act in society. There are differences that we need to respect and appreciations that we need to award based on gender demarcations. Perhaps my upbringing in this manner made me what I am. The credit goes to my insane parents who never even discussed the topic of gender and associated behaviour. What used to matter to us was how are we as an individual. There was a contentment in being in our own skin. The unconscious mutual respect as human beings with minds of our own always took precedence over our genders!

Most of us when discuss gender and subjects surrounding it, do not miss out on the familial aspect of it. This engulfs the concepts of marriage, area of financial concentration, as well as tight-knit arena of parenthood. All three has their own boundaries that surrounds relative aspects. For instance, the idea of marriage may include the topics of communication, difference in opinions, physical or emotional intimacy and physical and mental abuse. Then there is financial aspect of the relationship which may include economic provisions or supporting role in providing financial assistance to each other. Then if we take into consideration the area surrounding parenthood, we can very well associate with role of genders as individuals in the child rearing. Keeping these sections in mind what we need to focus is the way each gender is placed or has place itself in individual category. This implies how the genders see themselves and others as performers in relation with the above-mentioned aspects.

During mid-18^th century Mary Wollstonecraft advocated that a decent marriage is the one where there is compatibility in intellectuality of the genders involved. Keeping these views, she called out the various existing and upcoming social thoughts by promoting that the divine rights of husbands, just like those of king must be readily accepting to be contested and challenged without any fear. According to her it was of integral importance that women need to be educated to be able to gain economic independence that was one of the main factors of putting men at a pedestal in society and proclaim their supremacy over other existing humans. However, her relevance in today’s times have become somewhat limited since emergence of various bifurcations in perceptions of genders. With different formats in spouse types like they may be supporting, ruling, flexible etc.; they have capacity to transcend among gender roles or may stay rigid to their existing identities. The divinity of a particular gender may seem to be more obviously prevalent in certain societies compared to the others, however there are few common traces that are consistent throughout.

The gender ideology of male divinity can be seen in our social discourse as well. Men subconsciously dominate the conversation and in fact many times women themselves subconsciously let them overtake the dialogue as part of their very deliberate yet subtle brainwashing regarding the upper hand of their male counterpart. Even though during the debate over gender differentiation and male supremacy when it is put forward that the difference among their image projection is because of their individual choice. The reality is this individual choice many times is engraved since the very beginning in the mind of both the genders regarding the suitability of their directed roles. These so many times result in the existing presence towards choice that both the genders make eventually in mutual agreement with each other!

We most of the time do not even realise the gravity of these unconsciously conscious decisions that we make in everyday lives as individual flag-bearers of existing genders. We then tend to forget that there is divine in all of us. Gender apart, we as individuals can be put on wrong pedestals most of the time due to our own narcissism. This perception towards wrong doings and negative choice of putting any gender on divine level, is an important factor that fall between the demarcated responsibility towards personal, professional, and individual capability in any relationship. When a man is divine in his existence the credit goes to not only male community, in fact the responsibility lies on the very capable shoulders of women as well for they themselves are actively as well as passively involved in trying to raise the bar of an entity that in its organic frame of roots have been created in similar capacity. With occasional and basic physical differences, the rest of the gap has been created by our mindset to suppress one gender compared to the other!

Being a nurturer does not categorise one gender to be weak or dependent just as being a provider does not win the title of being divine. The roles can very well be reversed and have in fact interchanged in quite a few cases. What is of relevance is accepting the selected role as part of equal contribution and making it a subject of choice and not compulsion for all genders in questions. The role of motherhood and fatherhood have a scope of interchange, exchange and even mergence for with time we need to realise that none of the gender in indispensable and there is a desperate need of harmoniously respectful coexistance of all for the mutual survival of future generation, whatever gender they belong to. Be it partnership that is based on physical proximity, emotional endurance or psychological connectivity, there is an integral grasp of distribution of power and duty in equality across the genders. For each of us need to forgo the divine amongst us. The concept of superiority has become very inferior in respectability and the quality of them having the quality of divinity has run its race towards redundancy!

Films

Are we really Accepting Feminism?

October 29, 2021October 29, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

While watching Erin Brockovich on my “night alone”, I heard her telling her boss Ed upon his judgement of her physical appearance, “I Think I Look Nice. And As Long As I Have One Ass Instead Of Two, I’ll Wear What I Like, If That’s Alright With You….Maybe You Should Re-Think Those Ties.” That dialogue just clicked wirth my sleeply self and I immediately picked up my laptop to write about the perceptions. Then I further realised why are we even thinking about men like Ed? Do they really matter that much? why don’t we think about women like us, amongst us, who I feel end up becoming their own worst enemies while judging so many of us! It is a such a serious topic to write, think and discuss among ourselves. Breeding our prejudices as women and criticising our own just so that we can be accepted at a particular, so-called desirable level in society; are we not digging our grave and constantly falling in the never-ending pit? I just wonder is it wrong to need self-affirmations and yet remain a feminist at heart? Am I creating a confusion or pushing towards chaos when I proclaim my love to look beautiful and I like when people appreciate that beauty? But just to calm the waters a little, I live when other see the beauty in me that I see in myself and what if they don’t. For that is the point where I want all of us to focus that what matters is we how we see ourselves. Others are just others in random! When I see the mirror covering a large part of my bedroom wall, I feel it is me. I feel beautiful however I am. I feel I might rough up some collars when I find my feminine power to have beauty, grace creativity, nurturing the warmth that is me being female. But that is just how I look at myself. Others may feel just the opposite. And that is okey too. There are many who are truthfully right in saying that women are still discriminated and disproportionally represented in our society at large, however my point here is not to negate them in any way or lessen their importance, for what they are saying is so true. My point is when they are suffering so many of such problems all around, then do we really need them and their likes to face another set of irrelevant and unimportant problems of self-negation and non-acceptance from their own sex? It may seem a trivial topic to discuss by many but if we are unable to discuss so-called smaller issues then how will we address and resolve the existing bigger ones? It is all about freedom to self-exist and co-exist and be able to do or not do what we want. Many of us may find great power in selective silence and just existing, but that need to be and I quote, ’self-selective’ and not obligatory. If we do not need the confirmations of beauty from others then we also do not need Backlash for not being the career driven, outgoing fighter. Why not let us explore our own individual corner and find strength in that. Won’t that be included in our individual fight of feminism? Just accepting who we are and accepting who other like us are as individuals is a big step taken in our journey towards understanding the focal points of feminism.

Feminism is no more just about beating the baton about difference and discrimination of men and women. It is more about our inner fight now. It is how we fight with ourselves, our insecurities, our views about our own gender. How we treat our own and ourselves as well. We need not be identified just for our traits for we are way above and beyond these pointers! We need to realise that it is as okey to be able to dress femininely and celebrate visual beauty, as it is fine to be all masculine in approach identifying more with emotional stability. With time these feminine and masculine words need to have an interchangeable acceptability for these were mere one of the traits used to demarcate not only between men and women but even among women. This myth that women dress beautifully to confirm to male standards, and dress masculine to barge in and compete with them needs to die sudden death. We need to realise that feminism does not need men in any way to proclaim its strength. They are no more in the racefor there is no need. They are welcome to have their own theories, debates, and research papers to discuss their own plight and conditions as well! We won’t and don’t to mix that with our point of focus. They are there to enlarge the world’s horizon physically and emotionally and have their own individuality but that it where their interference and presence should end. They are a separate entity, but we need to realise and accept in totality that so are we as indivisuals and as whole!

The only concepts we need to stay away from is pressure, force, and obligations. These are the words that involuntarily demarcate our own sex. We tend to demean each other keeping in focus our own prejudices about the other side. It’s a basic logic of harming our own with result being feminism to be typecast as a cliché terminology! While criticising each other for perhaps being too feminine, masculine, too career-oriented, too domestic, too dependent, too independent, and so much more, we are weakening our own and in return ourselves only. When we trash each other, we are benefitting only those who stand outside our circle ready to pounce and demean our efforts to rise above all. When Joe Freeman in 1976 wrote, “it is not done to expose disagreements or resolve differences. It is done to disparage and destroy.” This is well applicable in my idea of feminism as well. Instead of blaming our own and name calling within our own beliefs, what we need is to just come together, break down our own barriers and boundaries and accept! We need to fill our own gaps and level the bumps among our existence. How about we take the exclusivity from feminism and make it a common part of our being. The more inclusive we make, the more strength the concept of feminism will become! How about we really accept feminism and be there for women like us no matter how different they may be…

Films

Darcy for my Elizabeth (of all the Bennets)!

October 21, 2021October 21, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

“No. No, I prefer to be unsociable and taciturn. Makes it all so much more enjoyable, don’t you think?” As I listened tot he dialogue when Elizabeth Bennet spoke to Mr. Darcy, I laughed to loud. Oh how I loved that girl! She makes me want to have a daughter just like that. I told my pregnant self. She wa so cheeky and proud, almost like me, rude to the core, I smiled. When I got pregnant with my baby, I used to think about a probable girl or boy. I realise now that whenever I used to think about raising my daughter, I always thought of her to be like Elizabeth Bennet of Pride and Prejudice. I wowed that if and when I will see her face, I would not change her body and soul. Her lips, laugh, eyes all will have a spark of self-acceptance.

Almost each night when I saw her in my dream I would say, ‘you are perfect and will be amazing just the way you will be’. I wanted her to be brat, fighter, fearless, a being for whom the world will stop when she reaches out to grab her dreams! Of all the beautiful Bennets in the story I wanted to be Elizabeth who could stick by her own side. She would not be worried about having somebody to be there at her worst. I wanted her to keep herself as first! She would not want anyone to hold her hand or make her dream of seeing what the perfect future can be. I wanted her to be her own future. She would not be afraid to do the worst. I would be there for her to love her at her lowest and at the peak. She was my Elizabeth, and I would want her to fight her own battle. A well-read crackhead, with dreams that need to begin and end with her dreaming those dreams. My Bennet would have full freedom to be sharp edged knife that has a razor edge quick wit. Without a fear she would be in-the face of all those for whom perfection has a personification! By any means she could be playful and utter ridiculous in her free will. I would allow her to be confident about her insecurities and she could be ready to laugh at her own self with any guilt or shame plastered to her end name.

Like the novel I feel she would have the full capacity to believe that love comes after respect. From afar I can see still feel her telling anyone standing opposite that she has the courage and strength to punch her revenge right in the face. Let as many Darcys come and keep pushing her aside, but there will be her who unregretfully can stand eye to eye. I knew before my Elizabeth would not shy away from moving on or feeling strong. she would make sure that her Darcy realised that she could feel her insides screaming her vigour and valour. She may want him but would never have to need him. The Elizabeth Bennet of our family will care yet not care enough to hamper her own flight. I wished that her Darcy can very well be rude, harsh, crude, but never for her. He can have spats with her but not against her. He can love and respect all but not above her. Whether my Elizabeth be 2, 12, 20 or 40, age must be just a number for her! Her greys and whites will just be a matter of colour. She would be choosing her own shades. The barriers of her own novel with not be determined by the society she lives in. I wanted to be her Jane Austin because this author will help her write her own story. My Elizabeth will not be the one to become odd one out because her oddness will be seen in all such other Elizabeths around her and it will all be normal! She will not have to wish for being someone special because she will be the proudest creep that can witness her belongingness. For me her imperfections will be the real perfections because she, my Elizabeth will be her own weird self. She will not have to run out of way but i thought I would let her run her race. Her happiness will need to be her priority. Her feeling of feeling funny need not hide because if she would want, she could live with her Darcy and they together will have their own song to sing. How wonderful their life can be, they will decide themselves! Among all the difficult daughters around, she may be the most difficult one, but then I would want her to be so, would need her to be the same. Her Darcy needs that. He would not be the one to tackle her, in fact he will be someone who can embrace what she has to offer in her totality.

Alas after so much of rambling and detailed dreams I never had my Elizabeth. I had a Darcy instead! A Darcy that I created in my own novel with enough Pride and Prejudice! He may have a stiff coller for that will be his own trait special and specific to him, but hopefully he will be able to bend over for that one special Elizabeth of his own! Do not worry I would wait for the day when my Darcy meets his Elizabeth. I have my arms open for her to hug her with genuine welcome as wide as they would have been for my own flesh and blood. I wish my Darcy does himself, me and his Elizabeth proud. He has bif shoes to fill for my Darcy is already at home, with his own flaws ans imperfections. He has a strong presence to guide and look up to. I hope many such Darcys come up for all available Elizabeths. They need to have their own story so that of all the Bennets each time such Elizabeth can feel the freedom to choose their own Darcy without having a fear of repeating their Pride and Prejudices!

Films

How do Films Relate with Women?

October 20, 2021October 21, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

As I was snoozing while watching Independence Day (1983), in my slumber my ears perked up on the dialogue between Nancy Morgan (Dianne Wiest) and Mary Ann Taylor (Kathleen Quinlan)! I addictively peeled my eyes open an Nancy Morgan said, “I feel tired all the time“. to this Mary Ann Taylor replied, ” it’s the Valium”. But Nancy said, “No. It’s a different sort of tired. It’s…um…inside my bones. And it’s real deep. Inside my bones.” My sleepy mind woke up enough to relate her condition to my current pace in life. I dozed off with the thought only to dream of the same. For me the dawn of today was like any other. With my tired being after last night’s slumber, I woke up after innumerable failed attempts of shutting off my phone alarm. I dragged my drooped soul towards my morning rituals and like a repetitive mechanism I did what all I had to do. While I was trying to tie the threads of my life with a monotonous coup of honey-lemon warm water, cradled in my hand, it suddenly dawned upon me, how many things I have been doing the same way, every day. They have been my ‘one thing’ that I do each time every 24 hours. The lukewarm darkness coated its pain upon me and once again and here I am writing about so many ‘one thing’ that we women do every day of our unique life given to us.

We wake up everyday with the baggage of responsibilities that we so-readily mistake to be our duty (the sense of duty has been so well-engraved in our x chromosomes even before we are born!) Work, home, kids, husband/partner/better half/another half and many more. For once there is weak-dying and dependent wish to do away with these titles, then we are awake again! Then we move ahead through the day checking the tick-boxes so that our stupid self-massaging ego gets satiated and those ever-so powerful so-called invisible others can open that ‘acceptability door’ that is almost like an ever-sucking suction hole that drains in it every possible ego from us. As we move forward there are droplets of smooth moments that if or when trickles towards us, have our utmost gratitude that we guise under the garb of gratification of being a woman and identifying it with our essence of existence. What we forget to ask is why we, why us? If women are categorised still as ‘weaker sex’ by quite a few according to the convenience, then why the double standards? It is as if we are bestowed upon with the title of carer, and someone who can do it all, at the same time our invisibly visible demons in various shapes and genders unconsciously or subconsciously are pulling us down to that rock bottom where the value of women is nothing more than that figment of imagination which totally downsizes their existence. According to “wise men” women are genetically made physically weak yet they are made in a way that they are emotionally strong. It is such a narcissistic declaration. We are being empowered by keeping a strict check on our list of do’s and don’ts! We are supporters for all the possible people who are in a different capacity than us provided we stay in our unimaginably complex boundaries drawn by so-called significant others.

Why not take ‘her’ out on a merry-go-round of our glamorised and idolized world of cinema that claims to give a panoramic canvas to the representation of women. Be it the role of mother, wife, lover, vamp, sister and many more, there is always a justification for her reserved representation. We see her in one role or the other in almost all the movies, still it feels that her representation is like just another projection of any minority. We applaud the strong roles that have come up today for her and feel so proud that at least those roles have strength to earn the moolah or critical acclaim at the box office. However, if we look deeper, we will realize that the underline bed of truth speaks the same old tone, maybe a little sugar-coated but still the same. The opportunities have increased but are there enough of them to give a justifiable representation? According to Judith Mayne in her article ‘feminist film theory and women at the movies’, pub. (1987), there is no easy fit between ‘real’ women and their cinematic representation. In fact, sometimes it does not fit only. This fit is what brings about the point of contradictions that hover over her reality. The line almost always blurs when we realise that what we see on the screen, the ideal or could-have been ideal woman is what we are wanting in our daily life. Someone who must fall under a certain parameter of societal acceptability. On screen, if a woman is been shown as a strong character that has human traits of being capable of negative personality of having a downward graph, then either she meets her negative end or she returns to her true hypothetical identity of goodness and purity. The yardstick is so fictional in itself that when women in real life look at ourselves or like our own, we start justifying our doings or otherwise we are considered the rebellious few with no real respect or self-worth on others’ or our own eyes!

Tired Woman Stock Illustrations – 12,216 Tired Woman Stock Illustrations, Vectors & Clipart - Dreamstime

The concepts of morality, duty, happiness, selflessness, and everything that is respectful according to the social norms and constructs, has a concentration of muddy puddle in the core of their construction. The never-ending expectations and trickling down of women empowerment as charity to her, need to be realised that it is not something that is or should be given to her, even as support. The right to own her own being is like her skin that ha its own blemishes and scars. She should be proud of herself as a separate entity and must be alright if and when she does not confirm to the rules of society because in the end it is ok to be wrong, it is ok to flunk, it is ok to not just care and keep on giving and giving. It is perfect to not feel the guilt of being that idolised perfection of figment of human reality. It is ok to be a mere human.