Random_thoughts – SKR Web

Category: <span>Random_thoughts</span>

Rhythm and Uniformity of Belongingness

May 3, 2023October 3, 2023
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

How many times have you felt like running away? This question is running like wild horses in my mind, and I want to ask you all the same. Do you ever feel like running away? From actions, reactions, things in general and people or maybe from life itself? I was sitting in Starbucks yesterday, with my favorite latte and hunting for something interesting to write on. On my right side, I felt someone fidgeting with a hot drink in hand. I felt the guy was trying to peak in my laptop to see what I was working on. I turned to him and smiled, and it all began! His one question out of blue was, “have you ever tried to run away from things?” Well, he had my attention now. I looked at him and immediately replied, “yes. All the time!” He thought for a moment and the dam opened for him now. What was my conversation with him for the next 30 mins or so is not important for you all but what I am about to write is the crux of what we discussed, and I want to work upon in my write-up for today? I feel so glad that I was there at that time!

I am almost sure that there has been a need in most of us to have that sense to belong to someplace where there is no judgment for what you choose to follow or believe in? Each time we go to our self-chosen place of worship to try to live and make peace with the sins that we commit in unconscious conscience, the question of our sense of belongingness arises. The idea when it all breaks down to our existence depends upon a supreme power that holds its all together for those who believe in it. For those who don’t their self-questioning comes as their salvation and rescue. Whatever thought we may have, we need that one uniform force for us as individuals to bring us around to sanity. The question that we ask ourselves at one point or the other is, who do we belong to. To those who give us strength or to those who break our hearts and make us stronger to pick up our pieces –

The morning that brings us out of our deep dark thoughts, spin like a never-ending circle, and ends up breaking our hope, dreams, visions, and fantasies. Remember, each time we fall, there must be that self-wish to stand up and move on. This uniform thought of survival brings that well-rounded concept of uniformity of ideas in our sense of belongingness. The strength moves us to move away from what makes many among us believe that there is nothing that can save us from our doom. Even at our lowest, these are such moments when we end up fighting our thoughts with positivity to find our little happiness. This is the uniformity of belongingness that I am talking about. The sense of belongingness makes us fight for survival. The will to wake up each morning and do what we do is what belongs us to our uniform thought of living. The broken records that scratch around those lyrics that try to break us are the ones that add a uniqueness to the lyrics sometimes.

These may sound like one of the many random thoughts that I end up penning down each week. How about we take these random thoughts and put them in our everyday thoughts, beliefs, and actions. That would be the moment you, me, or anybody and everybody will synthesize the gravity when we all are standing at that edge and try to find the breadth to be able to float just above the waters. Our need to belong or hold on to something or someone (even ourselves) is so intense that we don’t even realize it gradually seeps into our everyday actions, words, and lifestyle. When you go to sleep each night what that is feeling that is dominant in your mind and heart. The emotions may vary, and you may feel a sense of happiness, contentment, excitement, or hope and positivity. You may feel sad, discontented, angry, jealous, disheartened. There may be feeling of revenge, crudeness, hatred, or depression. They may be many more emotions that may run as you wind up your day, but the important angle is getting ready for the next day to do the needful. This sense of uniformity makes us stay alive in all shapes and form and bring a sense of rootedness and belongingness amongst us. If there is no balance and harmony in these emotions this is where the dice start rolling backward and the extremity of actions happen!

The movies that we watch, the literature that we read, the songs that we hear, may strum that chord we are so sensitively attached to. They may sometimes bring out our frustration, anger for all the wrong that has been done to us or our likes. At other times they make us understand the deeper meaning of forgiveness or the point of no regret. They make us recall many times that when we say adios to certain emotions, people, or life, it is just a word and if we are alive and kicking, there is always a scope to go back and try to level the hurt. The music and lyrics are part of a unique rhythm of belongingness that can be as beautiful as the original track even if we cover it with different notes! Never forget that there are similar boats like ours. There are way more people trying to belong and bring about a sense of uniformity in their lives, like us! They are many who are different yet like us in emotionality or approach. We need to remember that it is also about the matter of the heart and soul along with rationality because it breaks alike for all. Whoever you may be, however practical and strong you may be, the sense of peace is the same for all of you even though the source may differ for each one of us!

Opinion Shack

What if we read our chapters this New Year?

January 3, 2023January 3, 2023
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

As we enter New Year and begin another chapter, I wonder how many of us take our lives as a book. Also, what if we read our chapters? Many of us might be thinking along the same lines. How about we do the same for the journey we have done since we can remember and take it forward to the future that we don’t know much about? How about we divide our lofe road into chapters ready to explode? These chapters decide to design the content of choice and work on their meanings. They need to create value in our minds before we, as readers, get ready to voice the hidden crux behind them and take our actions as part of our future teachings.

Have you ever wondered if the past year that has gone by has had as many happy moments as difficult ones? They might not be obvious, but they were hanging throughout the 365 days, even by a single thread. Have we wondered whether our daily story begins in a tale full of small moments of laughter and adventure? There are moments of soft snowfall along with occasional hailstorms. This short havoc span stays in our memory, and we start defining our life based on their occurrence. We ignore that those regular small lighthearted moments are the ones that help us to survive actually.

The time that has gone by has so many characters that are, in fact, an extension of our personality. We identify with some and cower away from others. Some of them scare us, yet others gravitate towards us. Each has their own story governing their behaviour towards themselves and us. The same goes for our end as well. The vibe (positive or negative) we have created for ourselves is our restrained judgements regarding our surroundings and those who surround us.

Whether we have gained or are still stuck in our survival situation, this is as much our story as it is about others. Whether we blame someone else or ourselves, we need to realise that at the end of the day, our story and the path we took or are ready to take is our chapter of choice. Even when there is pressure for us to be a certain way or behave in a particular manner, we forget that there is always a next chapter ready to take over our pain or happiness. All that matter is the choice that we make for ourselves. This story of our life has its winnings and enough share of mishaps. And it is alright when we don’t get what we have set our eyes at.

We need to open our arms for ourselves and embrace ourselves in our totality. When Eminem wrote, “I am not afraid to take a stand…” the lyrics have the power to resonate with all of us in our way. The good, the bad and the ugly are all part of this package. Make mistakes, move on; if you have consciously hurt someone along the way, don’t forget to apologise and move ahead genuinely. There are times when you will be embraced. The others may not accept your apology easily or at all. But you need to clean your conscience and move further. There are so many more chapters to be written. There are several decisions to be made. Each morning we need to either continue our story ahead or, if it’s too bad, tear that paper or use an eraser pen to cover the loopholes and start afresh! You will make more mistakes it’s blundering, and create more havoc, perhaps for others and yourself. But you will learn.

That dustbin at the end of your journey might overspill, but keep discarding what you are not happy with. When you reach the other side and believe me, we all will look at some point. So when we cross that line and read all the chapters together, the final draft would be interesting. Our story may finish, but it is the journey that will never end. Someone else will be ready to write its sequel or an independent tale; it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we all look forward to the writings on that wall of this life’s game! We know the scripts are not plagiarised when we read between the lines. The text may be similar, but the experience differs. That is where we need to dream on and dream till they become true.

So what if you read my chapters and I read yours? The link may be smudged, but can we read those lines that say so much in so little? What if we cannot find all the answers to our questions? How about we forget the end and pay attention to the process? Since we know there will be an end, and that is obvious, but the paths may differ. The outlook may vary, and the methods may change, but the story will remain the same. For each one of us, the plot is different, but at the end of it all, it is indeed a story that is unique, intriguing and interesting to each individual! How about we focus more on our writing? The readers will automatically follow, for we all have a powerful nose for news! This new year why don’t we start re-writing our chapters? What if we start afresh, be our editors and read our chapter?

Opinion Shack

Our Validations: Travelling from Inside-out!

March 8, 2022March 8, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Today is International Women’s Day! The first message of the day I received was from my teacher wishing me! It involuntarily made me smile because perhaps compliments like these are what I need to charge my batteries for every day! I feel grateful for people like her who do not shy away from speaking their minds most of the time. I found her validation for me in surviving and thriving. I remember my talk with her around two weeks back. While she was appreciating my efforts to continue writing about topics that are so relatable, we stumbled upon the topic of getting validation and our need to feel individually validated! She suggested I write about this thought since this idea continues to stay with all of us rent-free. She is the force behind me writing about this because, even if we do not openly agree, it is considered a frivolous word and it brings about a sense of guilt in women all around. Since we are told all the time that women are selfless and goddess-like, self-sacrificial, and are like a goddess to be looked up to; then it is not correct for us to feel the need, and the less validation we need, the higher we climb in our sublimity. However, we fail to remind ourselves that we are all humans and have no need to become a deity because there are already a number of them present throughout our history. We all indeed need as well as want to talk about it at one time or the other but maybe most of the time we get carried away with our guilt. At other times just the superfluous celebratory media marketing strategies turn our minds to the immense amount of floating advertisements regarding the same.

Right from Starbucks to Pizza Hut there have been several offers celebrating our existence, especially around the 8th of March every year! One of my friends is even availing this immensely juicy offer of buy one get one free on Pizza delivery as I am writing my words. Reading similar numerous online shopping offers and exclusive membership makes me wonder, is this the ultimate kind of validation that is kept exclusive for us? Is it the real deal while we celebrate our yearly validations for our existence that we need as women? Makes me wonder about the oscillations of necessity between our need or want regarding this debatable concept of self-approval as well as approval by others. I understand that there is a great need for our self-validation. It is many times more important than others’ appreciation of us. Every day women are raising our voice at all levels for creating our importance. Almost all of us agree that we need to respect ourselves first for the way we exist but is the celebration enough in the form of pamphlets and advertisements about appreciating our existence by putting on offers for us to uplift our buying capacity? I guess not.

According to the psychological theory of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the integral aspects of motivation for human beings include love, a sense of belongingness, and respect. So when people around me say that we don’t do a particular deed to get validation from others, I just want to remind them a little at that point that the reaction that they get to their action is in one way or the other validation to themselves either by others or by self! When they say such a sentence, they forget that it is human nature to naturally bond with others and that bonding cannot be done in isolation. So what is needed to make that bond stronger is to bring some sort of harmony or consensus among the existing selves., which further requires the act of validating each other or self. To explain the thought, I will go no further than myself because I believe I am my best example. When I get fewer likes on my Facebook, Instagram, or even LinkedIn or Twitter, there is a sinking feeling. That may or may not be common with others but at some point, or the other our social media is a platform that unknowingly validates ourselves in our eyes with just a click of a button. It is one of the stronger tools that carry the power to make or destroy our personality due to its heavyweights and validity. Be it individual involvement or praising at the group level, the idea that there is someone of some platform out there that agrees without thoughts, views, opinions, and visions is enough to develop our adrenaline rush in us as individuals.

This case is not gender-specific at all. However, I am a woman, and the sir around me is surrounded with the celebration of our likes. This makes me talk about the topic that spreads far and wide and take it as a micro discussion about my gender. You all are free to interpret your fluidity in its discussions! Hence when I see such lovely promotions and beautiful and thought-provoking messages floating through WhatsApp and other modes of communications, I deliberately want to talk about it. We live in our bubble and that bubble is so elastic that its stretchability expands far and wide. But the moment that bubble bursts, reality comes into focus. The need to get validation for ourselves merges with our want for self-validation. The thin line dividing the two ends up merging further and blurs down boundaries from one to the other. So, when our partners, siblings, offspring, parents, friends, and associates end up putting a seal of approval on our actions, we feel that all the efforts that we did are so worth it! We can protest as much as we want, but we have created this situation for our need to get the desired validation at such a level that there seems to be no sure shot exit visible as of now. So next time you see an interesting celebration offer or promotion to celebrate your existence, do away with that guilt and avail yourself of it with open arms. Remember, this craving to gain validation for our actions is as important as fighting to gain the right to our existence. Let it be a day or perhaps a week of celebrations, do not deny it. There is no harm in getting validation even for small moments because many times we all deserve what we want and what we want is quite a few times what we need. You may differ in your opinions but my need for this validation about your thought process is as equal if not more important as your concept of non-dependency on need and want of any such appreciations!

Literature in Life

Mowgli of This Jungle Book

January 21, 2022January 21, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

While looking out of my French Window in the City of London, it occurred to me that the struggle to make it in life has become so intense that this part of my whole has engulfed me with a strength that cannot be easily captured in images. But then I turn around and realise. However, the view outside made me see nothing but buildings, roads, and people on roads going towards buildings again. It was a jungle for me and for anyone struggling to carve a road ahead. The concrete jungle is all but a reality now not only in its physicality but also in its emotional, mental, and existential occurrence. Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Jungle Book’ in 1894 has been an interesting piece of work for me. But it resonates deeper now when I am in my 40s and realise, I am free to interpret the title and characters according to my whims and fancies in my life’s reality. Now I understand that I am not the only one in this muddle. There are so many of you standing in this line with me. Sometimes you may not even be realising yourself, but I find myself in the same race with most of you. I may sound narcissist to many; it may sound false to quite a few but the truth is, the levels may differ, the intensity may vary, but the core remains the same. We are all searching for that piece of peace that seems to erode with the harsh winds of human fatigue and rationality. For me, and for most of us, the Jungle Book is a story that follows the journey of a wild child named Mowgli. A pack of wolves found him as a baby and was raised among them. However, he had his struggles to fit in and survive. The story follows how he was raised among wolves and survived through it all without any human connection. However, I am not here to find a perspective and take on white colonialism or characters representing the involved symbolism. What I want to concentrate on is my journey or anybody else’s as well, who is sailing in a similar boat. This life around all of us and outside our vision is a Story like Rudyard Kipling’s above mentioned Jungle Book, where like its main character, we too are that wild child, who is left alone to fare for his survival. In this life, we find our journey, our story, our jungle book!

Every morning when we wake up, you and I find ourselves in a forest of ambiguity. We try to clear our morning blur because for some it is just a puddle, for others, it is a marshy land. For few, it is a bridge to cross over, but for most, it is a journey across wonderland far and wide; crossing through deep rivers, dragging over deserts with their parched throats. All of us are in a desperate search of a mere glass of cold water to smoothen out our parched souls. As we grow in life, we move ahead on the paths that we have dug for ourselves and with age comes the understanding that in dreams begins our responsibilities! But the Mowgli in all of us is still that frightened little boy who is trying to make it every single day by keeping a brave face. Every day brings a new hurdle and by the end of each evening, he finds a solution to overcome that. He must survive because that is what he was made to learn. His pack taught him what needs to be done. But they have not held his hand and drilled in him how to reach the finish line. Just like Mowgli, all of us are afraid to cross over. The end of the tunnel is dark. None of us knows what dangers lie ahead. There may be many ‘Sher Khan(s)’ along the way, with accompanying conniving hyenas, to lure us to our tragic end. But if we will ponder more, we will never be able to take that leap of faith. There is always that hope that on the brighter side we may along the way, meet a couple of Bagheera(s). These will be our guides to bring us out of our troubles and may pull us by our neck to carry us safely across the barbed wires. The Baloo, Sher Khan, Kaa, King Louie and even the Hyenas inside each one of us need to agree with what the Mowgli said in Kipling’s story; ‘we be of one blood, ye and I’, The moment we realise that we come from one and shall go back to one, we might be able to cut through the thorns of this jungle safely. We can dream to roam free when our actions will speak louder than our words. A little push there, a subtle pull in several positive directions, is enough to emotionally gratify and physically satisfy our individual Mowgli(s) within.

The story of Rudyard Kipling may have a different focus while bringing Jungle Book to life; still, we as individuals can write our own stories. We may make errors along the way but if we are ready to be an editor for each other and proofread the written content in our lives, our Jungle Book will also have a happy ending. We are sure to gain the same freedom and respect that Mowgli felt in his craving to roam about freely, with a sense of belonging to the roots known to him. The concrete jungle outside our homes, visible through our windows is equal in enormity with the jungle within us. We need to get past our racial, religious, gender, social and economic differences to bridge the divide that is our own doing. The differences that we have created for our own and the gap that is wide enough for ourselves to stumble and fall in this never-ending pit. It needs to be pushed close with a consistent effort. We desperately need to recognise the entryway but even more, what is needed is to hold each other’s hands to take us through the dark forest to see that light at the exit. Our story – your and my Jungle book needs to reach its end as well. Our Mowgli(s) need to meet each other and live in this magnificent Jungle of our own making in harmony. We can bring out the Rudyard Kipling in each of us to write many more such wonderfully wild tales!

Opinion Shack

Touch me not for I can Heal!

December 31, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Humans are emotional and our response to these emotions, in turn, makes us a part of the race. The way we react to a simple comforting touch or harsh physical pull and push is just one way to show our immediate response to the sense of touch. This response comes as naturally to us as the breath that we take every day. We get these responses to our stimuli so often that we almost take them for granted. As individuals, we develop our thoughts and opinions based on our responses to those stimuli, be it physical, emotional, or psychological. Our everyday correspondence is the result of that tactile build-up. This synthesis arises when we experience our ideas along with each moment of our interaction with anything living or non-living.

How wide or close is the space between that stimulus and corresponding response, makes up our opinions and reactions in our behaviours. Similarly, if we consider our interaction with plants, they are unable to react to us physically as per their basic characteristics. However, plants like Mimosa Pudica in a way defy the norm and manage to surprise even the most sceptical of us! Its characteristic of shutting its leaves the moment we touch them is a reflex that makes us realize that nature provides us with elements of surprise now and then. We just need to come closer to enhance our knowledge.

Apart from its response to our touch, this plant even shows its capacity to open and close at sunrise and sunset, respectively. Since there is such a unique quality of Mimosa with its reactions to the ability of touch, usually it becomes a perfect specimen for experimenting upon for the memory repetitions of its habit of closing. There is a mimosa pudica in all of us. It may be visible or hidden as a trait, but each one of us responds to the stimuli that we come across in our lives. We experience life through a variety of touches that we experience in our daily living. Our vision may overshadow our thoughts, but the touch makes us more receptive to creating our perceptions, actions, reactions, and psychology. Apart from psychology, there is a deep philosophy that makes us who we are because of the sense of touch we develop throughout our lifespan. A simple touch, pressure, or an innocent poke has the power to depict our emotions and perceptions about our relationships and personality.

Our response to stimuli is so intense that one simple touch can develop our sense of trust and connection by reducing the stress hormones (cortisol). A kiss, a hug, those back rubs, an unconscious gentle physical contact for twenty minutes, is enough to release oxytocin. This is the confirmation that pushes medical science to heighten the usage of touch with the new life that is born. More physical proximity with young ones has proven to develop their cognitive, motor skills and decrease chances of violence and aggression in their behaviour. In a way, the touching becomes more therapeutic, almost like a healing power for the productive development of humans. The intensity of the impact of this sense of touch can be similarly observed in plants like ‘touch me not’.

We, humans, are sometimes so selective that just like despite Mimosa Pudica’s major healing abilities to be antibacterial, anti-venomous, antifertility, antidepressant, and others, what strikes us as a normal human being is its ability to shy away and take time off from being a subject of touch. The same goes with our interaction with other humans as well. Every kind of interaction has its relevance and importance but unconsciously what deepens our connection with any stranger is the body response, the way we react to their physical proximity is what makes or breaks our connection with them. One physical connection can change our perception and response. The subject we behaving as a mimosa can always be in the focus of discussions as part of human response.

Our memory and response to it are also quite like the memory that is unique to mimosa that connects with human memory and its compliance. Where the plant has its memory to realize whether it needs to close its leaves as a defence mechanism, humans also react to any new entry with a sceptical approach. We initially close our barriers to new things to prevent ourselves from any prospective harm. However, like a mimosa, the continuous touching of its leaves, sometimes reduces its effort to utilize its energy to close its leaves once it finds the touch to be the same. Similarly, we also react in likewise manner when we are sure of a person or a situation on whom with time, we build our trust. We too tend to open our arms and develop acceptability to the known trustworthy individuals and situations. Such an interesting observation!

Then there is the element of surprise that brings out its intense action of closing away its petals making one curious further. In a way being shy and reclusive is more attractive. It is as if the plant wants to say that we can term it as a paradox. Just like the plant, we also believe in the forbidden fruit. The more something becomes unattainable for us, the more we try to capture it. It is the mystery behind that lures us to dive deeper. When someone tries to get away from us, that triggers our brain to know why! We want to unfold the person’s mystery so that there can be a conclusion for our self-gratification. It is our need to reach our sense of peace that we either totally reject their existence or run after them to know more and satisfy our curiosity about them. We can reserve or reject the power the other person holds over us just like the plant.

This touch-me-not like those who are unattainable to us, have the power to become our craving to know more about them! When Edward Thorndike explained in his Stimulus Response Theory, he believed strongly that all that we learn in our lives is a result of the connection between the stimulus and the response. He in a way opens our mind to the idea about why we believe what we believe in and how we behave because of our beliefs.

Even though psychology may differ and point out that there are other factors apart from the response and its stimulus, but we cannot ignore them because how we react to things in our everyday life shows a strong reflection of these two in our behaviours and the reasons behind! The importance of stimuli just like in Mimosa Pudica is remarkably like human relationships to their reactions to a sense of touch. This may have become a controversial topic to discuss with time because of the development of various other factors, but our proximity to emotions and behavioural pattern relies heavily on how we as individuals respond to the other when in close physical proximity compared to our reactions when far away. Therefore, our sense of stimuli pulls our gears to react to others in a unique way, human or otherwise!

Opinion Shack

Do we really need to ‘Man Up’- Feminism and…

December 6, 2021December 6, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

When I am feeling down or am at a low point in my emotional journey and I hear people tell me to ‘man up’, I frustratingly want to scream out that do I really need to? If I need to be successful or if I want to get what I need in life, do I really need to so-called, develop a spine, chin up and be a man? Do these cliched terms really hold weightage to be able to dive into a man’s world? I can still feel shifting of gears, winding of clock hands when I am sitting in a group and the word ‘feminist’ or concept of feminism arise! Out of nowhere there is a sense of scepticism when the conversation proceeds in that direction. I wonder why the word is made to be stayed aloof of. Why is it so that even after so much of social, developmental changes around, whenever we talk about feminism, the stereotypes start emerging? What exactly is feminism for us? What kind of people do we define as feminists? What kind of geographical boundaries do they define? What culture do they project and what identity do they have according to the rest? All these questions and many more have numerous answers and charge varied form of energies when talked upon. For many of us, the term till date is a topic to arise controversies and perhaps bake our own breads in the resulting heat. For others it a dangerous area where once one enters becomes vicious circle from where it is difficult to come out. Overall, a simple idea of mutual respect under the term has been converted into a topic of so many discussions and national and international chaos and controversies that the core has deviated over the period for most of the people venturing into the field. So, when someone call the other, feminist in today’s chaotic times, or when the other proclaim self to be a feminist, an unknown aura of distaste and sectionalising the person appears for the meaning of ‘feminism’ has been distorted for reasons known best to most of us. In fact, in present times, it becomes almost troublesome to explain or convers over the ideas of feminism without resulting in being judged as a person of prejudice or extreme negative feelings regarding people of any sexual orientation.

Where traditionally, the gender stereotypes used to explain men to be species of power, control, and masculinity, while women were the supporters, feminine, and carrier of femininity that shows their weakness and dependence for support from their male counterpart. With time these boundaries have softened to greater extent and women have made their existence shown and appreciated to a certain extent in the so called male dominant society. However, in doing so we may see them loosing to themselves only. They in a way win some but at the same time loose to self to a certain extent. Now I am not criticising any view, method, or context of feminism at hand because being a part of it I realise the difficulties face by each one of us at every small step. So, demeaning any method to gain equality in not my intent. However, I believe strongly in trying to make reach that invisible balance that may help our fight to gain equality and genuine respect for other sexes by normalising the term. There is a great need to generalise it for normal everyday life not to box or categorise feminism into any sort of elite theoretical idea if we need it to stay focussed and in focus of its initial aim.

One of the major reasons we end up being judged overusing the term feminist or feminism is because we tend to unconsciously masculinise the word and its essence. For instance, in order to be successful for a woman in “man’s world”, she has to be hard, objective border lining ruthlessness and not being emotional self. That is what we mostly see in media be it television, films, or views of all sexes in general. We associate the identity of feminists according to a particular physical appearance, psychological though process of being emotionless, mental capability of detaching with our core which is by nature soft, and caring. Often, we have been told or hinted that to break into the male dominant world or to be successful in life we as women need to in a way become them. And we readily, perhaps happily do so. But while doing the same we forget to realise that this is not the crux of feminism. The change of identity is not what we need to be a feminist. What we need is our acceptance as we are, with the package that we bring in to write our own success story and not to become some other successful being. We can wear whatever we like, look however we want, behave or feminine, emotional, empathetic self (without guilt), if we want and yet be flag-bearers of concept of feminism, loud and proud! We need not be a hardcore activist, although we need to respect those who are. Negative stereotypes that are built around those who radicalise the whole idea of feminism need to shatter with loud noise so that there is a clear picture for those who has up till now not realised the real reason and power of the word ‘feminism’. The gap between women or anyone who claim to be feminist and those who do not agree with the methods taken by the former need to lessen because the aim for all of us need to coincide and live harmoniously in co-existence with each other respectfully.

So, when we see a tough woman at a senior position in official capacity on or off-screen, we need not identify with it in real life to project our affirmation with feminism. We need to synthesize that this projection of a particular character in a certain behavioural capacity is just individualistic. We cannot generalise and normalise this generalization. We need to absorb the fact that losing our natural instincts or acquiring the characteristics that are not natural to use will not make us successful enough, strong enough or ‘man enough’. How about if we try to remember and believe that to be a feminist or a believer in feminism a woman does not really need to ‘man up’!

Opinion Shack

Princess and that Pea: Shift in Women Anxiety Post-Marriage

November 29, 2021November 29, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

When time changes and our clock seem to tick away, there is a constant change in the society and social acceptance as well. As women shift their focus on their social, economic, and individual well-being, each day bring a set of new experiences for them and for those who are directly or indirectly related to them. They start recognising and respecting their being, behaviour, level of motivation towards their professional as-well-as individual roles as serious contributors in social existence. Their sense of self-assertion increases with the increase in interaction with the regular changing surrounding environment. This is a major influencer in almost reversing the dynamics of woman as an individual entity. There have been various influencers, theorists, thinkers like Heidi I, Hartmann (1981), Louise Wattis and Liz James (2013) and personalities like Moen (1991) and others who have been advocating the importance of family in the success of women in their career decisions. However, there is another side that focus on deconstructing the strength of these women, their sexuality, work, and the aspect of reproduction as well. They focus on the various experiences that these women come across hindering their economic and educational growth manifolds. To have a keen sense of one’s identity is integral to any individual’s uniqueness, irrespective of genders. It is dominantly important for women since their level of social and economic suppression has become a continuous process with little exceptions here and there. The more we rise as individuals or as a united entity, the lonelier this journey seem to be. Whether we can break barriers or not, the sense of being someone special and separate from the common line of thought increases at a faster pace. The marital adjustments and the scale of resultant depression looks to be consistent among working and non-working married women. It is even prevalent even in the happiest among us because with the increase in our understanding of self, the level of dissatisfaction in relation with our changed identity increases manifold! The idea of being princess of male species in our lives at all levels have resulted in creating a severe pressure to maintain that unattainable goal in their eyes and for all the others that come with this package of marriage.

This morning when I woke up. I dragged myself off the bed that has been my comfort zone since I remember. The beds may change, the homes may turn into houses, the mattress can change their quality, but the space has always been my sanctity. A place where I run off to when I want it all to go away. A princess whose change of place bring a great discomfort for her own self as there is always a hidden pea somewhere underneath that ends up bruising her. But if we ponder further, we might find the stereotypical acceptance of a woman only after confirming to the already existing and flourishing standards set for them by the society. The acceptance may seem to be mutually dyadic as far as the family adjustments are concerned, however the spreadsheet has a different take over the kind of expectations from the new member in the family. The absolute quality of life and the success of family relations however end up at the footsteps of women in general and their capability and capacity to adjust. The resultant respect and acceptance with the inner circle of family thus becomes the hanging carrot at the end of the tunnel!

The sun may look brighter today. Unlike any other day, it appears warmer despite the winters. The warm walls of our home have managed to keep harsh wind at bay. It all seems calmer inside. Whether there is chilly wind outside or harsh season ahead, one cannot really feel the changes at large dur to the centrally maintained temperature. Still the peas are rolling restlessly to get under the mattress of my and your skin. Women can feel the desperation of their own as pulls the strings of calmness. They are continuously banging at door of patience to let them in. Should she be brave enough to let them try their hand at messing with our mind or should we play safe and just keep our doors locked. The queen and prince regardless of their gender stand together with their nose looking down upon us, new entrants to prove our obedience and compliance. The mould to be a certain way and to behave in a particular manner has already been made. Now all we must do is, fit in! It may sound so simple, but at what cost? When our mental stability and peace is at stake, are we ready to make these insane standards sane for our survival? This superficial attaining of an ideal quality of life to maintain our social, physical, and mental well-being end up being a dissatisfied gender unable to satisfy look of constant judgement in our so-called accepters’ eyes. The doubt become so transparent in our credibility that during our post-married life, we sometimes end up doubting our own self. Our obligatory justifications become crucial instruments in creating mountains out of molehills thus giving and rearing personal anxieties.

We do feel, at multiple points, this new family is fidgeting away to leave our side while trying to project their full support simultaneously. The reason for their want and need for our strict adherence to their protocols looks to be their need to protect their own image. The new family in a way seem to become like all those peas that are common throughout, ready to hurt intentionally or unintentionally. Moreover, the deliciousness of whole course of this conversation lies in the mere fact the peas subconsciously become the real culprit behind this whole fiasco. They become that upper crust which bend the princess in me and you to come down to their level and prove our innocence! The greasiness of the blame game is the amount that each one of us is ready to take in. This new family that we as females decide to join for life is that chaotic kingdom that keeps on stretching our limits to decide whether to accept us as part of their own is a good enough decision or not. In this whole journey of them blaming us to unable to do so and us trying to break free, we are forgetting our originality and strength hidden behind our visible delicateness.

We observe the influence of the spouse and his associated members irrespective of their genders. It builds up erratic behaviour and constant prevalence of increased level of anxiety in new female members of that family, be it as a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, or any other prospective relation. These depressive disorders that sometimes borderlines severe anxiety leading to potential insanity in female sex is very grave in seriousness and can even reach to a level of no return in certain severe cases. You and I seem to be of opinion that the fragility is our unique selling point. We show our weakness at the wrong time, and it becomes visible enough to be a bait for digging our own grave. When they question our credibility as nurturers, homemakers, and supporters repeatedly, even if our economic resilience is prevalent and so are the intentions. Our strength becomes our weakness, and we huddle up at the far end of the walls to save ourselves from our own decisions in the time of our identity crisis. We need to remember when it is time to pack our bags, the princess in you and me end up on our own. We have no one to fall back on except our own tired backs from the everyday burden of carrying our damaged selves. The same mattress at that time seem to hurt us at very smallest of bump.

We feel tired, our eyelids seem to have a will of their own. A peaceful and respectable sleep seems to be far away from us because when we decide to spend a part of our present and future with someone else, the trust that we put in our relationship mostly, is blind. When we need to stand up at our two tired but strong feet, we need to decide the meaning and relevance of mutual respect all around us. When men in general or our own gender push women towards their limits, since we are outsider to their comfort zone and need to fit in; what is most important is our trust in self-respect and our abilities. We must be ready all the time without fail to pick our fragments and sanity that is of utmost importance. To hell with her prince and sweet taste of his kingdom! What women must remember, is to be able to spread their wings everywhere without any fear of having them clipped. The throne and our happy conclusions do not matter because what is really needed, is survival of our identity as individuals. We need to be alert enough to mend the damage done so that we can rise from our own ashes. People including us must remember that, the moment we decide to leave our own comfort zone and respective castles and enter a new relationship, we have already given a (not-needed) proof of our credibility and mettle. By signing that contract with another individual, we have automatically gained the right to live , the way we want. This needs to handed over to us with full and equal relevance, acceptance, and respect. Hence we repeatedly need to remind ourselves and our own, the fragility that world identifies our appearance with, is merely an outer

covering that acts like the onion peel covering innumerable layers or are various identities. There hides a tough nail underneath, and no pea, prince, queen, king, or kingdom can break that! It is our castle; our mattress and it is up to us to decide our strength and decisions in using the same!

Opinion Shack

From Pregnancy to Childbirth and After: Are we Judging…

November 24, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

The extent of strength and wisdom for the choice of becoming a mother needs to be a self-healing process for a woman, rather than becoming a laugh out loud topic of coffee-table discussion about her capability to birth naturally or under a knife! The moment I became a mother to my now 8-year-old, I realised another facet of motherhood that I didn’t even comprehend at the time I decided to plunge myself into the choice. As gratifying as it is without a doubt to be a mother, I cannot deny the amount and extent of subtle and not-so-subtle flack I received personally and am continuing to receive, regarding my grip around motherhood! This makes me wonder are there any other or if I must say many others like me as well, or am I the chosen one? I certainly hope not! I still remember the journey through my 9 months. The pressure to be a mother at the right time took away a little bit of joy and spontaneity out of my decision to be one because many were politely guiding me that time was ticking. Then when I did decide to go ahead with my pregnancy in my own time, I realised how scared I was. The whole idea of childbirth despite going through the whole self-educating process and pre-natal classes, I was scared till my roots with the process of natural birth that is so natural for women according to most of us women! I couldn’t find a single support to confine into despite coming from a background of open communication in my family. My own thoughts and resevations regarding the initiation of any form of related discussion stopped me from opening up. Perhaps at the time I felt that no one would takeit seriously or may be I would be judged for my inhibitions. I now realises my post-partum depression phase started long before I gave birth to my adorable bundle of joy.

The point is, even though we may be liberal in our approach and educated in our outlook or independent in our mind, the feeling of being judged and the fear of doing wrong still stays strong for many of us. Since we are kept at a pedestal for being women of divinity for bring a a being to life, the responsibility becomes so intense that motherhood many times scare the living daylights out of us. It is so integral to make childbirth a normal and individualistic experience without any subconscious stigma out of the choice to bring out a life in this world. Instead of how, what need to be of greater importance should be the concept a giving life to a being rather then how the process should be. It should be as normal to go under the knife as a natural birth. For those who go for latter, congratulations! But for those who willingly or unwillingly go for former, it should just be as natural without a guilt trip in toe. At the end of the day, we are on the same side, right? We all are rare in our own way, bringing that tiny being in this world one way or the other. There are enough of others already ready to judge us for our every decision. We need not add ourselves in the queue to judge our own. Afterall we are chip of the same block!

Women need to reclaim their control over their bodies physically and mentally. They need to realise their power over their own physical and mental endurance pre and post birth, without being told by them or their own how and why. We do not need any sort of interference regarding the decisions we make regarding the body that his our own and to bring another life to forefront by anyone who claim to know us and our type better than our own. How we want to have a childbirth, how many we want to give birth to are decisions that should be made only by us and no one other then us has capacity to understand our body’s need and threshold. There is no space to fall ourselves into guilt regarding the choice of childbirth we make. Choosing one over the other does not make us weaker or stronger as a being. What make us weak or strong is our buckling under the pressure of outer being to choose a specific path for our very personal and special moment of growth and its acceptance. Our alienation from the pressures of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood is of utmost importance because the decisions we make at those individual moments have the capacity to affect our whole personality and future as individuals, mothers, and as integral part of society!

Literature in Life

Humpty Dumpty and that wall

November 22, 2021November 22, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

It is normal for all of us to be afraid. Feeling of fear comes naturally so that we can balance the intensity of danger. It helps to outline our boundaries regarding our phobia of happenings around us thus in turn stimulating our instincts. When Freud gave his understanding about anxiety or fear in 1926, his context was focussed on the idea that fear grows as a reflex or response to the dangerous situation around. I am trying to work on the same but in this write-up for me that dangerous situation can be physical, emotional, psychological, situational, or incidental or any other circumstantial. The fog of loneliness leads to fear of being left behind, or inability to come out and speak or even break free from any available physical or virtual shackles that we human come across in everyday life. This feeling of emptiness bordering fear makes me recall a poem ‘Humpty-Dumpty’ in my childhood. Now that I recall the words and illustrations that I absorbed at the time connect my dots to this idea of loneliness and breaking of barriers and trying to come out of the corner, perhaps with few scratches or bandages in hand.

For me the fog is way too thick. However much I try to peep through the French windows, and it all may seem to be Greek for me but here is this permanent question that makes me wonder how, is it a good day! I always think each day is good because I need it to be, every morning. The Humpty Dumpty I see is always sitting on the thin wall made of flaking crust of uncertainties. Surprisingly, the same Humpty Dumpty also knows that he will eventually fall. The question will it be a great fall or does he get somebody to break it all! He knows his vulnerability of turning to immediate mush right after that little crack. He feels strongly right now to protect the fragile image at all costs. In doing so he tries to cross the wall. He is ready to forget the depth of the land from the top. He is even ready to risk the image while protecting the same. The king’s horses and men are not far behind eager to put him together, but the Humpty Dumpty must be careful. These so-called healers may instead be the dealers who do more damage than help while fixing the broken shell! Their cannon may not aim at him directly, but the ground and wall below. But perhaps they fail to realize this Humpty Dumpty is not a mere egg who is vulnerable regarding the survival. It is in fact more of a cannon that can blow the wall itself. Almost like a ticking bomb, this Humpty Dumpty is ready to blow off many barriers in front. It may end in his own destruction still at least he can retire in peace to be able to fight against numerous odds. Hey Humpty! Look again. The fog is setting, the mist lays low. You are perhaps all set to go! Build up this fire and load the powder and set it loose. It will hit the wall on its own and deed will be done. You may or may not survive but your aim will be right. It is bullseye for you. See, this Humpty is you and me sitting on our own cannon that is already ignited perhaps by unseen, unnamed kings, and men. All we need is to forget the probable fall and possible cracks in our delicate shell. I believe will not be mushy mess inside even if we break because there is a strength hidden in our flowing matter.

As I grow older, I end up meeting more and more of existing Humpty Dumptys. I am amazed yet happy in their number because this proves to me that I not the only one who is fighting a lonely battle. I feel there are many more hidden inside their hard cover. The numbers are not clear, but their effect can be seen in the visibility of so many heads trying to break the wall! The wall of negativity, unacceptance, hatred, negativity, judgements, alienation, and everything that demarcates between two headcounts. My dear Humpty Dumpty, I am now sitting in my walled chamber to write this letter to you. I may be a chicken head where it comes to blowing away my cannon, I may be scared as hell for the outcome or may have my own weird inhibitions to come out, but I am waiting. I am waiting for you to break my wall and drag me out. I want you to desperately push me over to stand on this wall and do my ropewalk. I want to take that leap of faith no getting scared to break my shell. I believe this fellow has that strength to pick up its pieces and tape them away. All I need is for you to extend your hand for all like me and make us crossover the wall! Those men and their kings need to weaken in front of our stubbornness. They need to bow down to our will power and must realise that we are not afraid to fail and fall anymore. We have our own bets and our separate trial and turbulences. But We the Humpty Dumptys are ready to face each challenge as they come. The road may seem to be harder, the wall higher but it now needs to be clear to all that it takes two to make one smile and those two are part of self only. So, with all due respect to the king and his men, you have no other choice but to let Humpty Dumpty be, accept it or not he is too far away from your grasp. You do not affect him that way now. What maximum you can do is bruise him along the way but that is nothing in front of the new gained courage of this Humpty because he not the only one to dare to sit on the wall, he has many other like him to support his climb and ready to break his fall. They can for sure put this Humpty Dumpty together again!

Opinion Shack

Questioning the Divinity of ‘Y’ Chromosome

November 15, 2021November 17, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

women's march, sign, child, political, rally, human, rights, women, international, day

When an argumentative project the idea that feminism was born so that women who are physically not satisfying the stereotypical social parameters gain relevance in society at large, there is a strong tussel that rightfully developes around the corners of reason. This tussle between coexistence and potential supremacy of ‘y’ over the ‘x’ chromosome raise a significant question regarding the existing divinity of one over the other. It makes me realise with time that I have been lucky enough to grow up in a family where my mum was as vocal and loud as my father. There was a constant chaos over the difference in opinion among our family of five. I never realized I had to speak in a certain way, behave in a particular manner and project the image of ideal gender type! And I am so thankful for that because as I transcend further in life, I realise this is not a common act in society. There are differences that we need to respect and appreciations that we need to award based on gender demarcations. Perhaps my upbringing in this manner made me what I am. The credit goes to my insane parents who never even discussed the topic of gender and associated behaviour. What used to matter to us was how are we as an individual. There was a contentment in being in our own skin. The unconscious mutual respect as human beings with minds of our own always took precedence over our genders!

Most of us when discuss gender and subjects surrounding it, do not miss out on the familial aspect of it. This engulfs the concepts of marriage, area of financial concentration, as well as tight-knit arena of parenthood. All three has their own boundaries that surrounds relative aspects. For instance, the idea of marriage may include the topics of communication, difference in opinions, physical or emotional intimacy and physical and mental abuse. Then there is financial aspect of the relationship which may include economic provisions or supporting role in providing financial assistance to each other. Then if we take into consideration the area surrounding parenthood, we can very well associate with role of genders as individuals in the child rearing. Keeping these sections in mind what we need to focus is the way each gender is placed or has place itself in individual category. This implies how the genders see themselves and others as performers in relation with the above-mentioned aspects.

During mid-18^th century Mary Wollstonecraft advocated that a decent marriage is the one where there is compatibility in intellectuality of the genders involved. Keeping these views, she called out the various existing and upcoming social thoughts by promoting that the divine rights of husbands, just like those of king must be readily accepting to be contested and challenged without any fear. According to her it was of integral importance that women need to be educated to be able to gain economic independence that was one of the main factors of putting men at a pedestal in society and proclaim their supremacy over other existing humans. However, her relevance in today’s times have become somewhat limited since emergence of various bifurcations in perceptions of genders. With different formats in spouse types like they may be supporting, ruling, flexible etc.; they have capacity to transcend among gender roles or may stay rigid to their existing identities. The divinity of a particular gender may seem to be more obviously prevalent in certain societies compared to the others, however there are few common traces that are consistent throughout.

The gender ideology of male divinity can be seen in our social discourse as well. Men subconsciously dominate the conversation and in fact many times women themselves subconsciously let them overtake the dialogue as part of their very deliberate yet subtle brainwashing regarding the upper hand of their male counterpart. Even though during the debate over gender differentiation and male supremacy when it is put forward that the difference among their image projection is because of their individual choice. The reality is this individual choice many times is engraved since the very beginning in the mind of both the genders regarding the suitability of their directed roles. These so many times result in the existing presence towards choice that both the genders make eventually in mutual agreement with each other!

We most of the time do not even realise the gravity of these unconsciously conscious decisions that we make in everyday lives as individual flag-bearers of existing genders. We then tend to forget that there is divine in all of us. Gender apart, we as individuals can be put on wrong pedestals most of the time due to our own narcissism. This perception towards wrong doings and negative choice of putting any gender on divine level, is an important factor that fall between the demarcated responsibility towards personal, professional, and individual capability in any relationship. When a man is divine in his existence the credit goes to not only male community, in fact the responsibility lies on the very capable shoulders of women as well for they themselves are actively as well as passively involved in trying to raise the bar of an entity that in its organic frame of roots have been created in similar capacity. With occasional and basic physical differences, the rest of the gap has been created by our mindset to suppress one gender compared to the other!

Being a nurturer does not categorise one gender to be weak or dependent just as being a provider does not win the title of being divine. The roles can very well be reversed and have in fact interchanged in quite a few cases. What is of relevance is accepting the selected role as part of equal contribution and making it a subject of choice and not compulsion for all genders in questions. The role of motherhood and fatherhood have a scope of interchange, exchange and even mergence for with time we need to realise that none of the gender in indispensable and there is a desperate need of harmoniously respectful coexistance of all for the mutual survival of future generation, whatever gender they belong to. Be it partnership that is based on physical proximity, emotional endurance or psychological connectivity, there is an integral grasp of distribution of power and duty in equality across the genders. For each of us need to forgo the divine amongst us. The concept of superiority has become very inferior in respectability and the quality of them having the quality of divinity has run its race towards redundancy!