It is normal for all of us to be afraid. Feeling of fear comes naturally so that we can balance the intensity of danger. It helps to outline our boundaries regarding our phobia of happenings around us thus in turn stimulating our instincts. When Freud gave his understanding about anxiety or fear in 1926, his context was focussed on the idea that fear grows as a reflex or response to the dangerous situation around. I am trying to work on the same but in this write-up for me that dangerous situation can be physical, emotional, psychological, situational, or incidental or any other circumstantial. The fog of loneliness leads to fear of being left behind, or inability to come out and speak or even break free from any available physical or virtual shackles that we human come across in everyday life. This feeling of emptiness bordering fear makes me recall a poem ‘Humpty-Dumpty’ in my childhood. Now that I recall the words and illustrations that I absorbed at the time connect my dots to this idea of loneliness and breaking of barriers and trying to come out of the corner, perhaps with few scratches or bandages in hand.
For me the fog is way too thick. However much I try to peep through the French windows, and it all may seem to be Greek for me but here is this permanent question that makes me wonder how, is it a good day! I always think each day is good because I need it to be, every morning. The Humpty Dumpty I see is always sitting on the thin wall made of flaking crust of uncertainties. Surprisingly, the same Humpty Dumpty also knows that he will eventually fall. The question will it be a great fall or does he get somebody to break it all! He knows his vulnerability of turning to immediate mush right after that little crack. He feels strongly right now to protect the fragile image at all costs. In doing so he tries to cross the wall. He is ready to forget the depth of the land from the top. He is even ready to risk the image while protecting the same. The king’s horses and men are not far behind eager to put him together, but the Humpty Dumpty must be careful. These so-called healers may instead be the dealers who do more damage than help while fixing the broken shell! Their cannon may not aim at him directly, but the ground and wall below. But perhaps they fail to realize this Humpty Dumpty is not a mere egg who is vulnerable regarding the survival. It is in fact more of a cannon that can blow the wall itself. Almost like a ticking bomb, this Humpty Dumpty is ready to blow off many barriers in front. It may end in his own destruction still at least he can retire in peace to be able to fight against numerous odds. Hey Humpty! Look again. The fog is setting, the mist lays low. You are perhaps all set to go! Build up this fire and load the powder and set it loose. It will hit the wall on its own and deed will be done. You may or may not survive but your aim will be right. It is bullseye for you. See, this Humpty is you and me sitting on our own cannon that is already ignited perhaps by unseen, unnamed kings, and men. All we need is to forget the probable fall and possible cracks in our delicate shell. I believe will not be mushy mess inside even if we break because there is a strength hidden in our flowing matter.
As I grow older, I end up meeting more and more of existing Humpty Dumptys. I am amazed yet happy in their number because this proves to me that I not the only one who is fighting a lonely battle. I feel there are many more hidden inside their hard cover. The numbers are not clear, but their effect can be seen in the visibility of so many heads trying to break the wall! The wall of negativity, unacceptance, hatred, negativity, judgements, alienation, and everything that demarcates between two headcounts. My dear Humpty Dumpty, I am now sitting in my walled chamber to write this letter to you. I may be a chicken head where it comes to blowing away my cannon, I may be scared as hell for the outcome or may have my own weird inhibitions to come out, but I am waiting. I am waiting for you to break my wall and drag me out. I want you to desperately push me over to stand on this wall and do my ropewalk. I want to take that leap of faith no getting scared to break my shell. I believe this fellow has that strength to pick up its pieces and tape them away. All I need is for you to extend your hand for all like me and make us crossover the wall! Those men and their kings need to weaken in front of our stubbornness. They need to bow down to our will power and must realise that we are not afraid to fail and fall anymore. We have our own bets and our separate trial and turbulences. But We the Humpty Dumptys are ready to face each challenge as they come. The road may seem to be harder, the wall higher but it now needs to be clear to all that it takes two to make one smile and those two are part of self only. So, with all due respect to the king and his men, you have no other choice but to let Humpty Dumpty be, accept it or not he is too far away from your grasp. You do not affect him that way now. What maximum you can do is bruise him along the way but that is nothing in front of the new gained courage of this Humpty because he not the only one to dare to sit on the wall, he has many other like him to support his climb and ready to break his fall. They can for sure put this Humpty Dumpty together again!