Alice of my Wonderland

When the Mad Hatter in the movie Alice in Wonderlad wonders to Alice, “Have I gone mad?” Alice replies, “I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.” The thought makes me happy. This happiness comes from the acceptance of realization that that its perfectly fine to be different. It if ok not to be okey. I just want to see you smile Alice! I repeated in my deep slumber. I just want to see your smile Alice… My mind just repeated the rhetoric! I feel as if I am going down the rabbit’s hole deeper. The nullity is terrifying. The uncertainty is magnified manifold. There is darkness all around. I can see the key right there! The Key is somehow too big again for me or may be its me who is small. I twisted and turned in my soft mattress that suddenly seemed so hard and uncomfortable for my damaged soul. Man! now I can feel myself bloating into a giant berry. I have the key, but I cannot seem to fit in the exit door. In frustration I clenched my teeth and scrunched my eyes further in my lids. This chaos is going on since I do not know when. Just like in the movie when the Mad Hatter asks Alice, “Why is it that you’re always too small or too tall?”, however much I try the potion is just not in correct proportion. With a loud cough my eyes popped, and I suddenly opened my lashes! I find myself get sucked deeper in the plush grass that looks greener on this side. The colours are brighter, and everything seems to be glitzy and glossy in its existence. I have started wheezing. Has my paranoia returned? Am I going bonkers? Is this Schizophrenia that has made me forget the reality of real world?

They say I seem to be floating in air! I need to come down. But I am so ready to forget everything and start afresh. This is my wonderland and I need to do whatever in it! This is supposed to be my space. I own it privately. But wait! I can see number of mad hatters all around. Their bipolar personalities are bringing my cynicism out in open. I just cannot help but break free from this wonderland that is sucking me in further with each passing moment. My hands are groping to touch something that feels like earth. I crave for the reality of its barrenness. I want to just sit and breathe in the earthiness in my nostrils deep. The queen is there, right above all of us! Like every time I can feel the noose of regulation tightening around my already tired and bruised neck. The insanity of her rules combined with the conniving smile of Cheshire cat literally gives me creeps. The chills that I get in my everyday life from cats around me is making me uneasy in my own skin. They have their nine lives, I have only one. For heavens! let me live it the way I want. I may do wrong along the way, but they will be my own. I just need to pick up the pieces after I break during this journey. The above harsh souls, time and again make me feel the guilt about something or the other that is not done right. Well, I am Alice after all, I need to be correct and prim and proper and all that is good! I feel the people that make me feel the burden, are jokers in their being because their delusion regarding controlling the other is almost on the brink of severe mental disorientation. Their psychopathic inclination is so severe that we need to be careful so as not to fall in their mousetrap. I feel it is not Alice but them who desperately need a reality check! This Alice in front of you is a white rabbit who is her own light of guidance. She may be right or wrong but that is what she has chosen for herself and this rabbit under her hide is her guiding star to pull her through the dark times. She can reach the light at the end of tunnel. My Alice in her wonderland really need to pass on, that there is no point in beating oneself for what has already happened because she was a different human then from now and now is what matters.

I believe it is the need to find something more that make us move forward from what we are now. It is the will and wish to know the unknown that pushes us forward and cross over our curiosity to find whatever is there on the other end. In doing so we can and many times we will lose our control over self, but that is okey. It is fine to let go if we do not regret what is going to happen. It is what we have chosen, and we must make peace with it. The world of grown-ups is complex and harsh. The road is filled with potholes. The ditches are deeper. There are many traps and every now and then there is an occasional rabbit hole that gets dug up. We need to leave our inhibitions behind and dive right in. Her wonderland is almost like a maze. If Alice in u and me believes that at the end we will get out of it and it will all be over, the Alice in us will definitely find a way. She will grow up along the way and it will all be fine. Her wonderland will always be there!