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From Love of Power to Power of Love

July 22, 2022July 22, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Like every other day, this morning as well I was telling my 9-year-old to rush and do his chores, pushing him to hurry up with his morning routine because what he was doing and in the way he was doing was not enough for me. While he continued to follow my instructions to satisfy my regular expectations of him, I was stunned by his choice of words. Out of the blue, he mumbled his disapproval by voicing his words, “you always force me to do what I don’t want to do! You can’t force me, Mumma. You are pushing your power over me to do things your way!” His words made me stop and shook me well out of my comfort zone to realize that I was indeed putting my authority over him. It may be a mum’s wish to get his child to do a task in a particular manner, but after all, it was my unconscious show of power over someone who may be weaker than me at this moment. We went about doing our respective duties in weird silence since we both knew I was in the wrong. As I returned home after leaving him at school, the thought and his remarks stayed with me. I may have meant well but perhaps my continuous cornering made him retaliate. In a way, I am glad he did that because this makes me realise that what happens every day in our lives leads to what happens all around us. I am an individual among those who need to keep a conscious check on our actions because we humans tend to get carried away in our emotionality. Our actions and behaviours at the micro-level have the power to result in happenings all around us at macro positions!

Have you ever felt personal power over something or someone? A sense where you feel the absolute need to take over the other? It may sound claustrophobic in theory, but the practical world develops our mind in such a way that we want, need and many times crave this sense of absolute control. However, in our quest to gain a sense of self-respect, we may confuse this sense of power and legitimate authority with authoritarianism. A feeling to look down upon others and a sense of self supremacy end up overpowering our sense of right and wrong. When power revolves within the boundaries of legitimate leadership, physical geographies, resources available in nature, and a sane sense of governance as well as empathy of economic development, it is a progressive society. However, the moment it crosses the boundaries with a sense of pressure, autocratic rule, blurring the outlines of humanity, it becomes a force to be wary of. The transitions are so subtle and smooth that we may not even realize the time the power shift becomes dangerous and fatal.

There is a grave need to maintain this uniform balance between natural and social elements of power to create and continue with a healthy society. The change brought about in the actions, opinions, beliefs, and behaviour by the medium of gradual influence brings about a sense of positivity in power. The power that keeps intact the integrity of human emotions, value of life, and strength in emotions of love, respect, and support. But when we use force and compulsion to weaken the borders of human physicality and mind, then authoritarianism seeps in. The feeling of making things, feelings and people belong to a certain person, idea, and ideology turns the power game into dirty powerplay. This kicks us where it hurts the most!

The result trying to attain an absolute sense of power may result in catastrophic consequences in society. A sense of restlessness emerges due to continuous pushing down over the free will of people. This may result in the bursting of the bubble of human patience and end up in physical, emotional, and mental tussles. Since the person in a position or organization of power can carry out threats in the form of punishments, there is a continuance prevalence of lack of trust and emotional disconnect between both. Then there is a sense of prevention from attaining the desired goal as part of emotional punishment. With power comes the fear of losing the same. When people in authority get paranoid with their power being taken away, there arises a vicious circle of further gain in power and supreme authority. This leads to a swift shift from the positive effect of power (where there is a channelized way of thinking involved along with the development of cooperative behaviour among society) to the negative repercussions of authority that inculcates corruption, selfishness, and isolation of freedom of thoughts.

When humans let the animal within them out to run wild, the risk of accidents rises by leaps and bounds. The society in power and authority has a responsibility to keep its humanity intact without letting go of its empathy and logic. Soft boundaries are needed to control the human tendency to encroach on others’ entities. Conscious compromises are needed if we need to turn imaginations into reality. The development that we see around us is the result of working together and mutual adjustments. If there has been tussle all over then we would not have been the live example of a mature society living in coexistence. Power needs to be for guidance and a focussed approach to the all-around development of humanity. It should not become means to the end full of chaos and human destruction. We need continuous healing. Every day there is some or the other form of hurt that is thrown upon us. There is one of the other senses of obligation that needs to be fulfilled, some authority that need to be obeyed. But if that power brings dissatisfaction and clutter in our physical living and mental state then it needs to be stopped. It needs to be softened and needs to be moulded into a form that has a slow pace and developmental approach. We need to have the power of control over ourselves first so that our language, behaviour, and actions stay in line positively. There needs to be a power in all of us to be able to say no and come to a solution that is beneficial for all. We need to stop the fight among ourselves to win over our lust for power bordering controlled authority!

Films

When Sex and Gender is all that matters

April 14, 2022May 1, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Just like yesterday and previous many other days, I was mopping my almost three weeks of Writer’s block under the rug by aimless internet surfing. Drooling away in my aimless dreams of making it one day, my husband shoved his mobile screen over mine. I glared at him and silently reprimanded his gender in general for trying to break my well-organized depressing chain of thoughts. He just casually flipped a screen in my direction and played the button for me to watch his choice! While grumbling away in my fury and cursing him left, right and centre in my mind, I grudgingly focussed my scattered brain to watch the movie in action. I was not even in the mood of asking for the film title and was thankful that it would only last for 1hr 50 mins. But after watching and re-watching it for those special moments in the film, I realized that the urge to write again was welling up within. I will never admit it to him in open I am thankful I am for his pressure upon my brain cells time and again! So here I am back on my abandoned laptop, writing the thoughts that made me feel whole after such a long hibernation.

As I was watching the film ‘On the Basis of Sex’ (2018), I wondered how much chaos and drama we humans face without even realising, based on our designated or acquired gender! When the talk about sex and gender is all that seems to matter while talking about inequality among humans, I wonder if our physical identities are so important that we end up making most of our decisions because of their interferences? Those rules that we come across and the judgements that define our fate have so much power over our brain that it ends up reflecting our final personality. The critics may praise the film or disregard it as being too predictable, but isn’t it what our life is? There is a sense of predictable human actions, emotions, and reactions available. Every day, common people face the cliché in their lives, whatever their gender may be. They very predictably try to pick up the shattered pieces of their confidence and pride to move on. Be it offices, schools, colleges, homes, or spaces in general, our interactions bring about our opinions and reservations regarding the other whom we decide to judge. This judgement is often hindered due to our inclination or repulsion of others because of their sexual orientation.

Throughout the film I was asking questions to myself, if this is what we call the predictability and cliched representation of sexes, then it is indeed one of the saddest reality representations. The story started in 1956 when the rights of women were a part of the dream for even the fortunate ones. But when I look at this day and time I can still resonate with the thought and so will the other gender identities, I am sure. On a superficial level, it may look at the story and happenings in the life of the famous Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a woman and her struggles to bring about change. But at a deeper level, it is a description of all those identities, irrespective of their gender, who suffer at some point in their life because of their identity. You may belong to any identity, but the fact that there is discrimination prevalent for each one of us is a testament that sexual demarcation is uniform for those who suffer because of it. The gravity of the cause is more important to discuss where suppression and inequality surpass the gender.

While making any decision when the thought about the existing sex of the human overpowers the ability to rationalise the action, the wrong at the level of humanity needs to be addressed. We learn about the topics of sex discrimination in schools and colleges. As students and professors, many of us discuss its importance at the textual level. But if we consciously or subconsciously decide upon taking a particular decision based on the existing sexuality of a person in practical life, it defies the purpose of hour-long conferences and debates. Talks about Sex discrimination need not remain only to a specific gender. It must include people of all sexes and sexual orientations because the actual fight is not only specific to gender. It encompasses voicing opinions against discrimination among humans in general that also happens to narrow down to their identification.

We as film lovers, audiences or film critics may always want more from the films in general. Perhaps more dynamics, history, and emotional journey may make them more popular at the box office or critic level. However, their essence does not in any way fade away by mere criticising the craftsmanship behind their scenes. The issue underneath is as serious as any such grave topic that we have discussions about in our everyday life. The idea of respect that I have written time and again about in my earlier posts still stands tall in support of this movie. There is an intense need for that respect to continue to flow across sexes irrespective of their identifications and sexual inclinations. The point of contempt in not only gender, but the fact that we forget a sense of empathy and respect towards those who are wronged just because they do not fit the gender bracket required for a particular task, is what makes this matter of discussion more relevant. In a way, I thank this film for bringing me back to my writing about topics that I believe so strongly in. The concept of equality and bridging the gap between the gender and sex differences and divide by forgetting about the overall discrimination against humanity makes us realise, that sex and gender do not matter when the idea of discrimination and hatred takes over the human mind. Gender and sexuality are merely a means to reach the end of fulfilling the twisted desire of overpowering the weak, whichever sexuality they belong to! We need to move away from such tools of rigidity so that our focus on development and positive change in humanity at large can stay on point without any deviation due to human sexuality and identification!

Opinion Shack

Our Validations: Travelling from Inside-out!

March 8, 2022March 8, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

Today is International Women’s Day! The first message of the day I received was from my teacher wishing me! It involuntarily made me smile because perhaps compliments like these are what I need to charge my batteries for every day! I feel grateful for people like her who do not shy away from speaking their minds most of the time. I found her validation for me in surviving and thriving. I remember my talk with her around two weeks back. While she was appreciating my efforts to continue writing about topics that are so relatable, we stumbled upon the topic of getting validation and our need to feel individually validated! She suggested I write about this thought since this idea continues to stay with all of us rent-free. She is the force behind me writing about this because, even if we do not openly agree, it is considered a frivolous word and it brings about a sense of guilt in women all around. Since we are told all the time that women are selfless and goddess-like, self-sacrificial, and are like a goddess to be looked up to; then it is not correct for us to feel the need, and the less validation we need, the higher we climb in our sublimity. However, we fail to remind ourselves that we are all humans and have no need to become a deity because there are already a number of them present throughout our history. We all indeed need as well as want to talk about it at one time or the other but maybe most of the time we get carried away with our guilt. At other times just the superfluous celebratory media marketing strategies turn our minds to the immense amount of floating advertisements regarding the same.

Right from Starbucks to Pizza Hut there have been several offers celebrating our existence, especially around the 8th of March every year! One of my friends is even availing this immensely juicy offer of buy one get one free on Pizza delivery as I am writing my words. Reading similar numerous online shopping offers and exclusive membership makes me wonder, is this the ultimate kind of validation that is kept exclusive for us? Is it the real deal while we celebrate our yearly validations for our existence that we need as women? Makes me wonder about the oscillations of necessity between our need or want regarding this debatable concept of self-approval as well as approval by others. I understand that there is a great need for our self-validation. It is many times more important than others’ appreciation of us. Every day women are raising our voice at all levels for creating our importance. Almost all of us agree that we need to respect ourselves first for the way we exist but is the celebration enough in the form of pamphlets and advertisements about appreciating our existence by putting on offers for us to uplift our buying capacity? I guess not.

According to the psychological theory of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the integral aspects of motivation for human beings include love, a sense of belongingness, and respect. So when people around me say that we don’t do a particular deed to get validation from others, I just want to remind them a little at that point that the reaction that they get to their action is in one way or the other validation to themselves either by others or by self! When they say such a sentence, they forget that it is human nature to naturally bond with others and that bonding cannot be done in isolation. So what is needed to make that bond stronger is to bring some sort of harmony or consensus among the existing selves., which further requires the act of validating each other or self. To explain the thought, I will go no further than myself because I believe I am my best example. When I get fewer likes on my Facebook, Instagram, or even LinkedIn or Twitter, there is a sinking feeling. That may or may not be common with others but at some point, or the other our social media is a platform that unknowingly validates ourselves in our eyes with just a click of a button. It is one of the stronger tools that carry the power to make or destroy our personality due to its heavyweights and validity. Be it individual involvement or praising at the group level, the idea that there is someone of some platform out there that agrees without thoughts, views, opinions, and visions is enough to develop our adrenaline rush in us as individuals.

This case is not gender-specific at all. However, I am a woman, and the sir around me is surrounded with the celebration of our likes. This makes me talk about the topic that spreads far and wide and take it as a micro discussion about my gender. You all are free to interpret your fluidity in its discussions! Hence when I see such lovely promotions and beautiful and thought-provoking messages floating through WhatsApp and other modes of communications, I deliberately want to talk about it. We live in our bubble and that bubble is so elastic that its stretchability expands far and wide. But the moment that bubble bursts, reality comes into focus. The need to get validation for ourselves merges with our want for self-validation. The thin line dividing the two ends up merging further and blurs down boundaries from one to the other. So, when our partners, siblings, offspring, parents, friends, and associates end up putting a seal of approval on our actions, we feel that all the efforts that we did are so worth it! We can protest as much as we want, but we have created this situation for our need to get the desired validation at such a level that there seems to be no sure shot exit visible as of now. So next time you see an interesting celebration offer or promotion to celebrate your existence, do away with that guilt and avail yourself of it with open arms. Remember, this craving to gain validation for our actions is as important as fighting to gain the right to our existence. Let it be a day or perhaps a week of celebrations, do not deny it. There is no harm in getting validation even for small moments because many times we all deserve what we want and what we want is quite a few times what we need. You may differ in your opinions but my need for this validation about your thought process is as equal if not more important as your concept of non-dependency on need and want of any such appreciations!

Literature in Life

Those Books in that dusty corner!

March 3, 2022March 3, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

‘…Books are lovely dark or deep,

we readers have promises to keep

As we have millions more to read!’

I may have distorted these immortal words of Robert Frost, but I guess he and his fans would forgive me because my intention is right! I love the original lines so much because they end up being the real motivation behind me picking up my pieces every time I fall. So, I feel like it is my right as a writer and reader to pick these lines and give them a new color and flavor regarding this beautiful realization about the lack of our inclinations to read. The technology is riding its high, especially during these covid/post covid times. Because of its abundance, we end up reading from devices and apps like Kindle and audible have become our friends of convenience. But there are times when most of us readers crave to hold that rough or smooth page scraping our fingers. We feel satisfied when we inhale the nostalgia left by the smell of paper and its printing ink when we happen to flip through the physical pages of the novels before our eyes. There are these books and then there are books that we don’t pick up despite them being our housemates for quite a while.

Have you ever had books that have been lying on the bookshelf right in front of you, yet are ignored by you all the time? I know I have quite a few that I have bought to read but never end up going past their cover page. Sometimes the cover no longer lures me, at other times I left it after the first chapter because it was not up to my self-developed standard as a reader! In my whole honesty, there may be around 10 books in my vicinity that have maintained their virgin identity since the 3 years of their stay with me. On this world book day, initially, I was thinking about writing perhaps a book review or an article about an author. But then when I was browsing through my book corner, I realized there have been so many books orphaned deliberately by me. So, I feel today is the perfect day to talk about them. Maybe it will motivate me to give them the importance they deserve. We all need to give them their due respect because when we think about the effort that went behind bringing them to life, these books deserve to be picked up and read through and through.

As my son became his inspired version favorite book character today, I realized how soon in our lives do we start choosing our favorites. This morning as I painted him as a cyborg with all my creativity flowing through my brush, I felt it was my moral duty to make him aware of this unconscious responsibility he is carrying over his tiny shoulders. While getting him ready I playfully asked him why he chose this character. His answer was simple “I find the book very interesting because of Eric the robot. I also sometimes wonder what it would be if a robot can feel like a human!” I smiled and replied to him, “then it would be a human again darling.” He stared past me through his whole routine as if absorbing what I said. But I continued with my rant, “but you must remember that if you love one book then that does not mean you will treat others any less!” he looked at me and answered back very softy, “just like humans and relations, Mumma! Because the writer of those unread books might feel bad because I did not appreciate their efforts.” I nodded in approval. That was big, even for me! I realized we as readers are many times doing just that. When we choose one over the other, we are in a way undermining the talent hidden inside other reads just because we might like the look of one more. What if we treat our books as our friends in reality? Shouldn’t it be difficult for us to choose one friend to be our best among so many good ones? The books might not have emotions but the writers when they pour their heart out in their writings, have! We never know how much of them they have put in while bringing their thought and words to life in the form of a book that is left ignored in that dark corner of our room.

Well, there is no better time to make things right than now! As I am writing my thoughts for you all to read, I am proud to see this book sitting next to my laptop that I have chosen to pick up as my next read right after I finish my writing. It is one of those 10 unread books that have been my silent companion for some time. I understand I had to focus my mind and will my feelings to understand that I need to have the same enthusiasm as when I bought them. How about we all try this occasionally. Pick those that are lying unattended in our bookshelves more often and have a deliberate read through them. Like any healthy relationship, they will eventually grow on us. When we give them the importance they deserve, we can turn it into a habit in our lives to move away from our step-relations in all forms as we develop our habit of acceptance by choice. There should be no compulsion in the choices we made but a simple conscious effort when we make our everyday choice. So today on World Book Day, let us get up and stroll through our furniture, move towards that dusty corner of our bookshelves, corners, boxes and pick the one that we have never chosen. How about we dream this day through those words that perhaps have stopped attracting us. Let us choose that unchosen one and perhaps we can find that treasure of knowledge that has been kept away from our mind by none other than us! Read on for I wish you all Happy reading…

Opinion Shack

Is our Pillar of Kindness Round enough?

February 17, 2022February 17, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

As Google popped out one of its reminders of today’s Random Act of Kindness Day, it occurred to me that have I ever asked myself the last time I did something nice for someone out of blue in my random state of mind? There have been so many celebrations and events around the globe every day of our lives. But without a hint of self-interest can we develop our sense of instinctive kindness? Sounds like such a random thought but its relevance is quite intense in everyday living. There have been several research where one’s ability to act kindly is directly linked with the individual’s feeling of contentment, health, and happiness. This pans across ages and genders and their achievement of mental peace and stability. It is strange that in today’s times, a special date must be allotted to celebrate this inherent human quality. But in a way perhaps there is a dire need to promote it as a celebratory date so that humanity can come to realize its integrity and importance. The popularity of its celebration is increasing every year in groups, individuals nationally and internationally but what is interesting is to understand whether the practical actions of being kind randomly are following these celebrations or not. Since what goes around comes back, what we need to answer is whether our Pillar of a random act of kindness is round as well. Do we need to sand it further or is there a balance in the action and intention?

When a small child tries to comprehend the butterfly effect theory in science class, that thought doesn’t just stay as a piece of scientific theory. It finds its way through a multitude of passages in the brain and creates new dimensions, meanings, and experiences. This theory projects that even a small flutter of the wings of a butterfly can bring typhoons to a faraway land. The concept may seem to be far-fetched in its practicality, but its magnificence seems way too large for a young mind and there are chances that the same concept resonates in another context in the latter part of that child’s life. The random act of kindness is almost like that butterfly effect where you are kind to someone unplanned. That act of kindness comes back to you in another shape and form for that one random act of yours might have been a boon for someone else. It may sound bizarre to the practical mind but then emotions have their logic that many times contradict the logical humanity. The tiny aspect of our humane actions done in a spur of the moment might be capable of having a non-linear effect over complex situations in society. The unpredictability of our good behaviors can have equally unpredictable happy conclusions.

Your random act of kindness towards random someone has the power to bring immense happiness in their lives. It may help in developing positive relationships and new friendships. This action can even bring a sense of self peace and kindness in return thus completing the circle around your pillar of life. A small smile, a random genuine compliment, a comforting pat on the back, or even a soft-supporting gaze can reduce an impending sense of anxiety, anger, and uncertainty in a person near you. We undermine their weightage of soft skills and compassionate behavior because the world has made us hard in our outlook of its being. Perhaps this is the reason why we refrain consciously from being that kind self. Our skepticism overshadows our emotions, and we end up refraining from letting ourselves go with the flow.

Dr. Daniel Campbell-Meiklejohn, the study lead and Director of the Social Decision Laboratory at the University of Sussex along with psychologists at the university confirms that there is warmth in kindness even if there is no motive behind it. He further explained that the motivation to be kind can vary in people. While some decide to be kind because they feel the need to be a good person. However, the other may do it because they have some invested interest in that act of kindness. There is a view regarding this that elaborates it is the act that matters more than intention. Why does it take a back seat as long as the act of kindness occurs? There may be several contradictory opinions while discussing the mentioned study. Then there is another concept that involves doing the act of kindness without any need or motive. The act is so random that reason has no space in its explanation. This is where the true test comes in. When there is no need for intention focussed on committing this act of kindness, then the resultant ripples can be felt far away and lasts for a longer period.

This random act of kindness involves people who are close to you along with those who are total strangers. Action speaks louder than words in those moments. The pillar of kindness becomes not only tall but also complete in its roundness. The holistic experience of experiencing that random act of care along with imparting the spontaneous show of respect towards mutual existence is what makes the act worth its celebration. Be it personal relationships or professional interaction, our soft approach to humanize surrounding work and residential conditions is worthy of how we talk our walk. This is where kindness comes full circle and unconsciously becomes a part of our everyday life. We need to realize that this random act of kindness and mutual whole-hearted acceptance is integral in today’s chaotic world. That casual helping hand can perhaps assist in lifting another being to their real potential. As Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fibre of free people. A nation does not need to be cruel to be tough.” We need to absorb Darwin’s thought that man is an extremely social being that cares a lot by instinct. Sympathy and kindness come naturally to him and his actions. So, the question that arises here is, has our pillar of kindness reached its full circle, or are there more steps left to cover the round productively? It shouldn’t just remain a random food for thought!

Opinion Shack

How do we Question Freedom?

February 7, 2022February 9, 2022
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

This morning as I sat on my workstation, my mind went straight into my thoughts. I was gazing out of my window far ahead than my vision could reach. I squinted my eyes at the reluctant sun peeping out of the stubborn clouds that have encroached the sky for the last couple of days. I glared at them unconsciously as if to threaten them to give the sun some respect and space, enough to come out fully. He needs to have his time as well. The sudden realization of my weird mental monologue made me chuckle out loud as I started to wonder what I should write about today. In the background, I could hear Pharrell Williams ‘Freedom’ loud and proud from my laptop. My fidgety fingers paused as I listened to the lyrics with lines. I guess I have found my topic for today. with a smile on my face, I listened to the rhythms and lyrics within.

‘…Who cares what they know

Your first name is free

Last name is Dom

cause you still believe where we are from.’

It dawned upon me what words to write us a song? My hands started picking on the keyboard and as if in a world of my own I started my journey of the day!

I remember the years when the subject of civics in my school became a matter of political science as I entered my college years. I was so fascinated with the term as if it gave me the power to be an adult. Today when I think about my fascination with the subject, I laugh out loud with ridicule for my ideas and ideals. I remember our family discussions about the political situation around the globe and at the time I felt so proud that I have claimed my right to speak from my subject knowledge. I could not understand at the time during heated arguments about freedom, and equality, when my father in his (un)usual patient voice used to make me understand, ‘you will understand the gravity of these words which you fight for when you grow up.’ And I used to look at him as if he was joking. In my mind, I almost ridiculed the logic. How much more would I need to grow up to understand, I used to wonder at that time. It is now that I realize, I am 40 and still, sometimes I get so confused with the twisted implications and meanings of the word in question.

What does freedom mean to you? Is it social, political, economic, religious-cultural equality to you or is there still more scope to it? What does feeling freedom as an individual mean to you? As a parent, as children, as human, as people belonging to all genders, or even as an individual or a group entity, what is your take on freedom? I know we use this term in one way or the other in our everyday conversations but how grave does its meaning sink for us, any suggestions? Because for my freedom, when I think about it, has travelled a long way that what I used to understand when I was in my younger years. Today when I read the word, I not only think it to be a concept of equality. I feel it to be more like the idea of mutual respect! The definition of freedom as ‘the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants or the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved’ has a small word missing that is respect. You may very well differ from me because it is your freedom but when I think of the word, I find ‘respect’ overshadowing the other synonyms.

This ability to behave to work without barrios may indeed be a core word meaning where everyone has the freedom to perform any activity without force in practical life. But to me, the addition of a sense of respect brings self-accountability towards life in general. It is the idea of respect that makes us realize that we don’t belong to anyone. We are individuals and each needs to respect the other to bring a wholistic sense of freedom. George Michael‘s freedom say the same,

‘…All we have to see

Is that I don’t belong to you

And you don’t belong to me.

When you listen to the accompanying lyrics you realize that it is the sense of respect that people need in their life to feel free. The music that we listen to, the lyrics that we sometimes believe in or relate ourselves with are all part of human emotions. Be it everyday existence, personal or professional relationships, or even Psychological freedom, the need for respect is integral. For you, as readers and for me as a writer I feel we both need this freedom so that we can realize the importance of our co-existence. You may be an individual, you may be a partner, an employer, parent, friend, acquaintance. I may be anyone, a child, any gender, employee, someone important or invisible, but the moment we come across this powerful word of freedom, there needs to be a conscious realization that respect should never be far behind. It should be a give and take of mutual value that we give from one to the other. Freedom is about political, social, economic, religious, gender equality about the choices we make as an entity. But the sense of mutual respect must be the core of this equality. What you feel and believe gives way to the amount of respect that you give to yourself and others in every small and big aspect.

As I am trying to wrap my head around the topic of today I looked up through my glasses. I can see the sun now fully coming out. It is as if it has found the courage to find its respect or perhaps the cloud has finally found its peace with it and gave it its due respect. I am smiling with a wide grin on my contended face. I may sound cliched but to me, at this moment it is the confirmation of my belief that we all can coexist without overpowering each other. We can respect each other to bring that sense of equality. With equality, there comes a sense of responsibility to respect in return. This mutual give and take rightfully justify the idea of real freedom! It is in a way freedom of equality to respect. It may be the same for you or maybe there is more…

Opinion Shack

Princess and that Pea: Shift in Women Anxiety Post-Marriage

November 29, 2021November 29, 2021
by Sameera Khan Rehmani

When time changes and our clock seem to tick away, there is a constant change in the society and social acceptance as well. As women shift their focus on their social, economic, and individual well-being, each day bring a set of new experiences for them and for those who are directly or indirectly related to them. They start recognising and respecting their being, behaviour, level of motivation towards their professional as-well-as individual roles as serious contributors in social existence. Their sense of self-assertion increases with the increase in interaction with the regular changing surrounding environment. This is a major influencer in almost reversing the dynamics of woman as an individual entity. There have been various influencers, theorists, thinkers like Heidi I, Hartmann (1981), Louise Wattis and Liz James (2013) and personalities like Moen (1991) and others who have been advocating the importance of family in the success of women in their career decisions. However, there is another side that focus on deconstructing the strength of these women, their sexuality, work, and the aspect of reproduction as well. They focus on the various experiences that these women come across hindering their economic and educational growth manifolds. To have a keen sense of one’s identity is integral to any individual’s uniqueness, irrespective of genders. It is dominantly important for women since their level of social and economic suppression has become a continuous process with little exceptions here and there. The more we rise as individuals or as a united entity, the lonelier this journey seem to be. Whether we can break barriers or not, the sense of being someone special and separate from the common line of thought increases at a faster pace. The marital adjustments and the scale of resultant depression looks to be consistent among working and non-working married women. It is even prevalent even in the happiest among us because with the increase in our understanding of self, the level of dissatisfaction in relation with our changed identity increases manifold! The idea of being princess of male species in our lives at all levels have resulted in creating a severe pressure to maintain that unattainable goal in their eyes and for all the others that come with this package of marriage.

This morning when I woke up. I dragged myself off the bed that has been my comfort zone since I remember. The beds may change, the homes may turn into houses, the mattress can change their quality, but the space has always been my sanctity. A place where I run off to when I want it all to go away. A princess whose change of place bring a great discomfort for her own self as there is always a hidden pea somewhere underneath that ends up bruising her. But if we ponder further, we might find the stereotypical acceptance of a woman only after confirming to the already existing and flourishing standards set for them by the society. The acceptance may seem to be mutually dyadic as far as the family adjustments are concerned, however the spreadsheet has a different take over the kind of expectations from the new member in the family. The absolute quality of life and the success of family relations however end up at the footsteps of women in general and their capability and capacity to adjust. The resultant respect and acceptance with the inner circle of family thus becomes the hanging carrot at the end of the tunnel!

The sun may look brighter today. Unlike any other day, it appears warmer despite the winters. The warm walls of our home have managed to keep harsh wind at bay. It all seems calmer inside. Whether there is chilly wind outside or harsh season ahead, one cannot really feel the changes at large dur to the centrally maintained temperature. Still the peas are rolling restlessly to get under the mattress of my and your skin. Women can feel the desperation of their own as pulls the strings of calmness. They are continuously banging at door of patience to let them in. Should she be brave enough to let them try their hand at messing with our mind or should we play safe and just keep our doors locked. The queen and prince regardless of their gender stand together with their nose looking down upon us, new entrants to prove our obedience and compliance. The mould to be a certain way and to behave in a particular manner has already been made. Now all we must do is, fit in! It may sound so simple, but at what cost? When our mental stability and peace is at stake, are we ready to make these insane standards sane for our survival? This superficial attaining of an ideal quality of life to maintain our social, physical, and mental well-being end up being a dissatisfied gender unable to satisfy look of constant judgement in our so-called accepters’ eyes. The doubt become so transparent in our credibility that during our post-married life, we sometimes end up doubting our own self. Our obligatory justifications become crucial instruments in creating mountains out of molehills thus giving and rearing personal anxieties.

We do feel, at multiple points, this new family is fidgeting away to leave our side while trying to project their full support simultaneously. The reason for their want and need for our strict adherence to their protocols looks to be their need to protect their own image. The new family in a way seem to become like all those peas that are common throughout, ready to hurt intentionally or unintentionally. Moreover, the deliciousness of whole course of this conversation lies in the mere fact the peas subconsciously become the real culprit behind this whole fiasco. They become that upper crust which bend the princess in me and you to come down to their level and prove our innocence! The greasiness of the blame game is the amount that each one of us is ready to take in. This new family that we as females decide to join for life is that chaotic kingdom that keeps on stretching our limits to decide whether to accept us as part of their own is a good enough decision or not. In this whole journey of them blaming us to unable to do so and us trying to break free, we are forgetting our originality and strength hidden behind our visible delicateness.

We observe the influence of the spouse and his associated members irrespective of their genders. It builds up erratic behaviour and constant prevalence of increased level of anxiety in new female members of that family, be it as a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, or any other prospective relation. These depressive disorders that sometimes borderlines severe anxiety leading to potential insanity in female sex is very grave in seriousness and can even reach to a level of no return in certain severe cases. You and I seem to be of opinion that the fragility is our unique selling point. We show our weakness at the wrong time, and it becomes visible enough to be a bait for digging our own grave. When they question our credibility as nurturers, homemakers, and supporters repeatedly, even if our economic resilience is prevalent and so are the intentions. Our strength becomes our weakness, and we huddle up at the far end of the walls to save ourselves from our own decisions in the time of our identity crisis. We need to remember when it is time to pack our bags, the princess in you and me end up on our own. We have no one to fall back on except our own tired backs from the everyday burden of carrying our damaged selves. The same mattress at that time seem to hurt us at very smallest of bump.

We feel tired, our eyelids seem to have a will of their own. A peaceful and respectable sleep seems to be far away from us because when we decide to spend a part of our present and future with someone else, the trust that we put in our relationship mostly, is blind. When we need to stand up at our two tired but strong feet, we need to decide the meaning and relevance of mutual respect all around us. When men in general or our own gender push women towards their limits, since we are outsider to their comfort zone and need to fit in; what is most important is our trust in self-respect and our abilities. We must be ready all the time without fail to pick our fragments and sanity that is of utmost importance. To hell with her prince and sweet taste of his kingdom! What women must remember, is to be able to spread their wings everywhere without any fear of having them clipped. The throne and our happy conclusions do not matter because what is really needed, is survival of our identity as individuals. We need to be alert enough to mend the damage done so that we can rise from our own ashes. People including us must remember that, the moment we decide to leave our own comfort zone and respective castles and enter a new relationship, we have already given a (not-needed) proof of our credibility and mettle. By signing that contract with another individual, we have automatically gained the right to live , the way we want. This needs to handed over to us with full and equal relevance, acceptance, and respect. Hence we repeatedly need to remind ourselves and our own, the fragility that world identifies our appearance with, is merely an outer

covering that acts like the onion peel covering innumerable layers or are various identities. There hides a tough nail underneath, and no pea, prince, queen, king, or kingdom can break that! It is our castle; our mattress and it is up to us to decide our strength and decisions in using the same!